Photo Illustration: Kosalan Kathiramalanathan

Ryerson student takes ‘new year, new me’ resolution a little too literally

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By Lyba Mansoor

New Year’s resolutions have become an annual tradition for many. Everything from closing any excess tabs on their laptops, to actually following the expiration date on loaves of bread has become commonplace, but this year Ryerson student Joel Novak is taking his resolution seriously.

Novak told The Eye that he had a particularly rotten 2017 and he is certain that 2018 is “going to be his year.” Novak plans on doing whatever he can to follow through with his ‘new year, new me’ New Year’s resolution—so much so that the third-year accounting student has started dabbling in black magic in an attempt to body-swap with beloved actor Zac Efron.

“I feel like this is a chance for me to really turn over a new leaf in my life. New Year’s resolutions are all about pushing yourself to be a better you, and I can’t think of a better version of myself than Zac Efron,” Novak said. In an interview with The Eye, he added that he was most excited to see his newfound “rippling pectorals.”

Novak, who was in part inspired by the film Freaky Friday, has been working towards gathering ingredients for the spell that ought to successfully body-swap him with Efron since the new year began.

“It’s a slightly complicated spell, like, I’ve got to gather the tears of a middle child, locks of hair from a bald man—don’t ask—and I’ve got to get the consent of the person I’m body-swapping with,” Novak said.

Efron, who was delighted to hear that Novak had thought of him, was surprisingly compliant.

“If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery than an attempted body-swapping has got to be the coolest form of flattery, right?” Efron told The Eye over the phone. “If I could be anybody in the world, I’d want to be me too.”

Novak explained the only thing left before the spell commences is finding a room with just the right ambience.

Since he came up with the idea, his grandmother, Ruth Novak, has been incredibly supportive.

“My little Joel has always been a go-getter, but not exactly someone I can take around with my friends,” she said. “Hearing his idea was wonderful, I can’t imagine someone I’d want more as a grandson than Zac Efron. I’ve already started working on some poses for the red carpets he’s promised to take me along for.”

Novak encourages people to follow suit with his resolution.

“I say, if you really want to work hard and create positive, concrete change for yourself this year, there is no better or more realistic way to do it then simply picking a cooler person and body-swapping,” he said.

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of this article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Do the world a favour, share this story and try not to take the Fun and Satire section so seriously—we certainly don’t.

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