A cool guy sitting in the SLC looking disappointed.
Photo: Kosalan Kathiramalanathan

Ryerson hang-out spots “not chill enough”

In Fun & Satire /

By Charlie Buckley

It’s official: Ryerson University is a school for squares.

In a public statement made in front of the Student Learning Centre (SLC) on Wednesday, a local cool guy announced that Rye’s hang-out spots are “not chill enough.”

“The SLiCe is aight, I guess,” the really chill dude said to a rowdy scrum of reporters, leaning on a lectern with his leather jacket on. His skateboard was balanced on his flip-flop. “But K-Hall? The SOUR building? Rammy-in-da-Rye-y? No frickin’ way, man.”

This announcement comes amid efforts toward quality-of-life improvements on Ryerson campus. Phone-charging stations, water bottle fill-stations and those hip police emergency poles are only the tip of the iceberg. In the past five years, spots to “hang loose” with your “homeslices” have been a priority at Ryerson.

“We’re just trying to stay ‘with it,’” Ryerson civic planner Buford Pendleton said, sitting on his chair backwards in what he’s calling the “coolest” corner of Jorgenson Hall. “I try to spend two hours each day chillin’, just to stay in the mindset of today’s youths. I enrolled as an undergrad last year just so I could blow off class. Oh, and I’m always one-strapping my backpack. It’s a triangle bag, so it only has one strap, but still.”

Despite Pendleton and company’s valiant efforts, it appears that Ryerson’s coolness offerings simply aren’t enough. In the moments following his announcement, the tightest of bros expressed his sympathies.

“It’s super harsh, man, like, I get that,” an unidentifiable, self-proclaimed “ultimate chick magnet” said. “But, like, it’s my responsibility as this ward’s most solid mate to lay out the facts; you feel me? Ever since uOttawa’s gnarly dude falsified records last year, the Order’s really been cracking down on it.”

Rye-Poly-Tech’s most tubular alpha was, of course, referring to the Great Sausage Fest of 20-aught-four, in which a University of Ottawa delegate for the Canadian Order of Chillness forged fraudulent attendance records for the homecoming dance. Since then, boasting about how many girls came to your party has become a felony in Ontario.

Despite the condemnation, Ryerson’s Director of Coolness and Youth Recruitment, Chad Brown, is remaining vigilant. Brown has been the DCYR for six years now, and there’s nothing he hasn’t seen.

“If we can survive the cooties outbreak of ’13, we can survive this,” Brown declared. “Just you wait, we’ll be hanging 10 and partying down like always, before you know it.”

Brown and three other Ryerson representatives will meet with the Canadian Order of Chillness later this month to discuss the party-lord’s ruling.

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