A photo of a staircase replaced with a slide.
Photo Illustration: Camila Kukulski

Ryerson will be replacing all staircases with slides

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By Skyler Ash

In an effort to cheer up all you sad, lonely and quite frankly pathetic Ryerson students in these cold winter months, the school’s president announced on Tuesday that all stairs on campus will be replaced with slides.

“We are very, very excited about this new addition to campus,” said president Mohamed Lachemi. “I personally love slides. I used to have to go to the park to get in my sliding time, but now I won’t even have to leave campus.”

The project will take several months to be completed, and will cost around $4 million, a sum the university is “definitely willing to waste your tuition on.” Once finished, there will be nary a stair on campus.

However, having slides instead of stairs does pose a few problems, the most major being how to get up the slides. “Down is easy,” said Lachemi. “Up is more of a challenge… Huh.  I guess I didn’t really think about that.”

“Whoops,” he said.

To get up the slides, university administration suggests throwing your body against the slide and doing the worm until you eventually reach the top. This may, however, cause severe slide burn on parts of the body you don’t think could get burned, which can be both extremely uncomfortable and embarrassing, because who wants to say they hurt themselves on a slide?

Students have mixed feelings following the announcement. “I just don’t get it,” said Tara Propp, a third-year yodelling student. “Our campus is already like, really ugly. I think this will only make it worse. I mean, I like a good slide as much as the next gal, but this is just weird.”

But some people, like Greg Bloomer, a first-year raccoon sciences student, just really like slides and is “overjoyed” with the news.

“I have always been saying that I need more opportunities to push my body down soft, plastic surfaces as a means of transportation, so this is really the best thing that could have happened to me, ever. Really. I live a very sheltered life.”

The slides should be fully installed by May of this year, and the university has already announced that it will “100 per cent fall behind schedule and cost at least $1 million more than estimated.” At least it won’t be such a pain in the ass to get to the ground floor now, right?

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