Photo: Samantha Moya

The key to a successful streetcar commute

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By Melissa Salamo 

A new student group at Ryerson University aspires to attract members through its launch of peculiar, but handy tips to follow during students’ commute to campus.

The Commuters on Streetcars at Ryerson (CSR) is a brand new student group this semester that lives by its mission “to stand in solidarity with fellow Ryerson commuters on tight, smelly streetcars.”

“Commuters on Streetcars exist in other universities across Ontario,” said president of CSR Daisy Frupop. “We’ve decided to bring it to Ryerson as well so that we too can support each other through a compact commute.”

CSR began on a windy and snowy night. It was one of those nights where no matter how hard you fight the wind, you end up being lifted off the ground with your hair all over the place.

After this insane battle, Joe Shamel stepped foot onto the King streetcar. To his dismay, the struggle was not over. He was then forced to combat the difficulties of commuting on a tight, sweaty, smelly and slow streetcar.

After this night, Joe Shamel knew that his mission in life had been to be the founder of Commuters on Streetcars. Many believe this statement to be true, as he passed away the day after founding the group.

In order to make your journey to campus a more enjoyable experience, CSR has reached out to The Eyeopener with the CSR’s “commuting rules for commuting,” made publicly available in the hopes of recruiting more members to the cause.

CSR Commuting Rules:

  1. Take a deep breath before hopping on and hope it lasts you your entire way.
    This measure should be taken in case of any unforeseen deodorant-less passengers on the streetcar. Have an hour-long commute? No problem! Breathe through your mouth your entire commute…this technique has been proven to have saved many lives from that occasional rancid gust.
  2. Take off your shoes to take up less surface area.
    Please be considerate to others and set an example. Riding the streetcar barefoot should have been implemented decades ago.
  3. Embrace the intimacy.
    Besides the club and the physiotherapist, the streetcar is the only place where rubbing each others backs is considered appropriate—and necessary! Smile and enjoy.
  4. If intimacy is really not your thing… fart. Loudly.
    This technique seems to work really well for people who would rather have three inches of space between themselves and the adjacent person. We’re not saying that it’ll guarantee an entire seat free of public transit takers, but let out a gas and we can promise that humans will retreat from you. It always works!
  5. Most importantly, smile… no matter what.
    Even if the person next to you hasn’t showered in a few days, applied technique number four or is taking up a whole seat with their bag, please smile. Smiling will make your commute fantastic. Follow these techniques and you will arrive your destination safe and sound.

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you’ve made it to the end of this article. Full disclosure: none of what you just read is real. Satire is a noun that describes the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. Do the world a favour, share this story and try not to take the Fun and Satire section so seriously—we certainly don’t.

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