Illustration: Camila Kukulski

Starbucks to launch new line of lattes inspired by Rye students

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By Lyba Mansoor

In celebration of Ryerson’s official breakup with Tim Hortons, Starbucks announced Monday that they will be launching a new line of tea lattes inspired by Ryerson student life.

Starbucks spokesperson Kerry Fitzgerald said the new lattes will have a soft launch in early April, before officially hitting the menu boards of all Starbucks locations on Ryerson campus in 2019, as a final “fuck you,” to Tim Hortons.

“The flavours of the new lattes are totally inspired by Ryerson students. We wanted to find a way to liquefy and sell the whole Ryerson University experience, because what is university if not commodifying every aspect of higher education. Sounds exciting, right?” she said.

Though an official, complete list of all latte flavours have not yet been made public, we here at The Eyeopener were able to obtain a list of the three flavours that will be showcased at the launch. Here is a list of the lattes. Sorry Tims, good luck topping these!
1. Teavana instant ramen tea latte

This latte is inspired by Ryerson students’ main form of sustenance in their formative years of adulthood. The focus group that helped develop the flavours described it as “a hard sucker punch to the gut.” Just like your student experience. Yum.

2. Teavana bed bug tea latte

Bed bug infestations have become somewhat of an identifier for Ryerson’s Victoria building, thus a tea latte dedicated entirely to the little suckers. Nothing starts the day off right quite like the crunch of bed bugs in your latte!

3. Teavana Gould Street stank tea latte

The various, often ominous, scents of Gould Street are a hallmark of Ryerson. The odours that waft all around as students amble to class have now been incorporated into the Starbucks drink menu. “It tastes exactly how you would expect the smell of Gould Street to taste,” one focus group member said, as he choked back bile. The new line of Starbucks drinks has already created a buzz across campus, with students impatiently waiting for that soft launch.

Starbucks, you’re doing great sweetie.

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