Illustration: Alanna Rizza

Mother Nature enrolls at Ryerson

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By (One) Concerned Citizen

The world has 10 years to live before reaching an irreversible temperature change that will change the face of this planet in horrible, unimaginable ways.

This news has been the work of centuries of unchecked pollution and unsustainable use of Earth’s natural resources. Regardless of the debate behind this news, and the inevitable question of “is it too late?” it’s easy to see the panic taking over.

People are now taking an extra 0.567 seconds of thought before throwing what is clearly disgusting garbage into the recycling bin, according to the Human Collective of People Who Want to See Their Grandchildren Play Outside (HCPWWSTGPO).

There are two people who aren’t freaking out about how much time we have before the earth burns. Technically, it is really only one person, seeing as the other is Jeff Bezos, someone who doesn’t do shit but constantly tries to make life here into the Bad Place, so he doesn’t count.

The only person really not stressed by this news is Mother Nature, not just because she arrived in Toronto after weed was legalized but because of where she was headed: good ol’ Rye high.

She’ll be working towards a Bachelor of Arts, majoring in English. She’s headed to Ryerson University and will be using the logic of “What courses can I take that will tell me to go read books, then not actually go read them?” for the entirety of her time there.

Like any good Ryerson student, she’ll try to take seven courses in the fall semester but will barely pass five. Nature will be taking courses like Intro to Psychology, so she can finally understand the minds of the billions of people that have been screwing her over since the industrial revolution.

When she gets assigned to read A Midsummer Night’s Dream, she’ll no doubt be confused by the Sparknotes page about the book, as it absolutely doesn’t do the masterful play justice. No word yet on if Mother Nature will also pursue a minor, however, like any good art student it’s guaranteed to change every three months.

Her wish to become a Ryerson student is surprisingly understandable, according to scientist Duke Elmont at the HCPWWSTGPO.

“Mother Nature is experiencing what we commonly see in trees when they’re zoned to be cut down or when pumpkins learn it’s fall season,” he said. “The usual responses to death are trees looking for hobbits to carry around and pumpkins reading the recipe for what kind of lattes they’ll be blended into.”

With the terminal illness known as “humans” spreading and not seeming to slow down despite the countless documentaries, studies and just OK James Cameron space movies that have warned people of climate change and pollution, Mother Nature will now be enjoying her next few years being hip and discovering herself.

There doesn’t really seem to be any way to stop this chronic condition from spreading and the HCPWWSTGPO is very adamant about what Mother Nature enrolling in a post-secondary education really means.  

“If she truly has only 10 or so years to live, this will easily take up half of it. Just think of yourself in her shoes, surrounded by people that’ve done nothing but drain and exhaust you.” When asked how that differs from the average student experience, Elmont changed his answer. “She has given everything for the people she’ll now study beside. In that crappy movie cliche way, she’ll be there, in the end, for humans.”

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