By Katie Swyers
Basically 90 per cent of you reading this sentence, are in fact, not ‘90s kids. But some of your profs are.
To be a ‘90s kid, you must have been a child during the ‘90s—not an infant, fetus, or still in the sack/tube.
While commonly co-opted by those who were born in the late ‘90s and who have, until recently, identified as a child, most true ‘90s kids were actually born in the ‘80s. To be a ‘90s child, you must actually remember the ‘90s.
So, if you’ve only ever seen reruns of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, have no memory of life pre-Internet, had to Google what Y2K was and have never rented (or had to rewind) a VHS tape from a store, you are not a ‘90s kid.
I spoke to Ryerson professors born in the mid to late ‘80s, who have felt frustration over their identity being jacked by Gen Z students. In order to protect their Rate my Prof ratings and tenure track, all three have requested anonymity.
“They’re so… young. It’s like they had no idea that Adam Sandler used to actually be funny,” said one undisclosed computer science professor, who requested to only be known as MS-DOS.
“I had one student say they loved Nirvana so much, seeing them live was on their bucket list,” said MS-DOS.
“That moment defined my pre-teen years, the flannel I wore during that time has never been the same! Kurt was my first heartbreak. I bet they don’t even HAVE an opinion on whether Courtney did it or not. FOR SHAME!”
Another professor, Ms. Frizzle, lamented over how “these kids never had the struggle of going through puberty searching for your parents’ porn stash and blowing into your Nintendo cartridge with all your lungs’ might.”
“They can pry my Game Boy Color from my cold dead hands, bitch.”
For the record, Ms. Frizzle really likes the Magic School Bus and hopes that you all got the reference. If not, she requests you make mistakes and get messy, like she did “by swearing in front of student journalists.”
Another professor, known by their childhood MSN nickname, Frosted_tips_rMYjam, was born in 1985 and considers the ‘90s “their era.”
“From five to 15, a lot happens. I’m a ‘90s kid, not an ‘80s kid, what do I remember from 1989? I was four!”
Frosted_tips_rMYjam describes themselves as “a low-key Myspace star” during college.
“I overheard some students talking about forgotten social media sites from the past, their conversation was primarily about Vine.” Frosted_tips was not amused. “I was actually friends with Tom from Myspace, like we messaged, I can judge!”
None of the professors were willing to comment on the Pokemon Go vs the original playing cards debate. One asked me to leave their office when the topic was raised.
So please stop posting 2000s-era things and saying, “only ‘90s kids will remember.” You’ll all be claiming to be 2000s kids when trucker hats make their unfortunate comeback anyways.