Want to peacefully talk shit on campus? Balzac’s got you covered

By Zachary Roman

The popular on-campus coffee shop installed transparent, soundproof bubbles around all of their tables last Friday. Balzac’s barista Kawfe Beach said the move came after customer complaints of “having to mingle with the proletariats” and “losing friends because they heard us shit-talking.”

The obnoxiously loud bubble construction process took place in the middle of the day when the highest amount of classes could be disrupted. “We wanted to follow Ryerson’s lead with how we handled this project,” said Beach. “They always do their construction during prime class hours, so we did too.” 

The shatterproof glass bubbles are secured to the ground and don’t let any sound in or out. To get inside, you have to insert your Balzac’s receipt into a scanner at the door. If you spent over $10, you will be allowed to enter, but if you spent less, Ryerson security is automatically called to escort you off campus.

As a result of the bubbles, Balzac’s is now the go-to campus spot for gossiping. “I used to be so worried that my lab partner would hear me shit-talking him at Oakham Café,” said Steve Stephenson, a third-year biology student. “Now I can vent about that idiot Dave Davidson all I want inside the Balzac’s bubbles. Wait, this is off the record, right?”

The installation of the bubbles has drawn comparisons to the controversial Dinner With A View pop-up experience offered below the Gardiner expressway this past winter. There, guests could pay $250 to eat a meal from a celebrity chef in a heated glass dome where a homeless camp was recently destroyed by the city.

“These bubbles are a sickening display of wealth separating the bourgeoisie from the working class,” said Carlos Marquez, a student who has the Communist Manifesto memorized.

Ryerson President Mohamed Lachemi has been frequently spotted having coffee inside the bubbles since their installation. Lachemi’s personal driver has told The Eye that he takes him there at least once a day to observe his subjects in safety.

Whether you love or hate them, the big Balzac’s bubbles are here to stay. If you hate them, too bad, because everyone inside won’t be able to hear your cries of disapproval.