By Kosalan Kathiramalanathan
This is a satire piece from our Fun Issue, The Darkest Timeline. Life has become such a clusterfuck that it’s hard to tell the difference between reality and satire. While this is a made up story, it’s rooted in truth and research to provide social commentary. Have fun reading!
After losing nearly all of its funding due to the Student Choice Initiative, the critically-acclaimed student newspaper The Ryeopener has had a dramatic restructuring after firing all its full-time staff, except for two editors.
“Honestly I’m not surprised it’s come to this,” said current Editor-in-Chief, Arts and Culture, Sports, Community, Features, Media and Photo Editor, Haras Lehcirk.
The decision to cut staff came after heavy deliberation on the alternative solution suggested by former Editor Sokalan Catir that instead of firing half of the masthead, that they just all work half as hard. He was the first to go.
Despite the struggles, Whyler Stiffen, the current News Editor, is optimistic that this is the chance to break the mold other publications have been adopting and “grow into a truly modern paper.”
“We were at first considering only publishing three times a semester but said ‘fuck that.’” He went on to explain that they needed to preserve the culture of the paper and decided to invest into their paper copies at the expense of losing their website and social media platforms.
“We’re moving the way the industry is. Budget cuts to journalism is like skater boys to Lake Devo—they’re inseparable,” said Lehcirk. “But we see this as the start of a new chapter in the long history, and future of The Ryeopener print edition only.”
(UPDATE: The Ryeopener had to shut down after publishing one issue and the Masthead blew the rest of their funding on Billys at the Ram in the Rye. They will be missed.)