Rye faculty and students leave campus amidst COVID-19, discover alternate universe

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By Alexandra Holyk

Ryerson president Mohamed Lachemi and vice-provost, students Jen McMillen have reportedly fled campus following the COVID-19 pandemic and existing problems with the new student government structures.

Before leaving, both Lachemi and McMillen mentioned the university is working toward implementing the “next steps for the rest of the semester,” as they’ve previously stated in each two-paragraph announcement from Ryerson since the university’s existential crisis began. 

However, this specific announcement referred to the cancellation of in-person classes and student government elections.

They also said Ryerson will continue consulting with STUDENTS—Secret Town Upside Down Everything Not The Same—the presumed hideout of Lachemi and McMillen. 

Legend has it that STUDENTS is an alternate universe that can only be accessed by university and government officials when they realize they’ve fucked over students to a whole new level.

Several reports claim that even Ontario Premier Doug Ford vacationed there after the initial announcement of the Student Choice Initiative in January 2019.

Nosreyr University in the alternate universe STUDENTS has everything Lachemi and McMillen want—a campus that is no longer under construction and governed by students who don’t criticize the university.

“Sometimes we’d sing ‘Row row row your boat’ twice, or Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I Will Survive’ at the top of our lungs in the quad,” said fifth-year business management student Enalkam Revewed, “or whatever would bring us joy

McMillen was last seen wearing a suit in the shade of Ryerson Blue while leaving the Superior Court of Justice on March 6; where the injunction hearing took place for the RSU’s legal claim against the university after the termination of the 1986 Operating Agreement.

“We’ll see what’s to come,” McMillen said with her eyes while putting on her hand sanitizer-infused face mask purchased using the RSU’s student levy.

Lachemi was not present in court, however, The Eyeopener received confirmation via email that he would “be off-campus.” The email did not disclose where he went or how long he would be absent.

Not long after The Eye received the email, Lachemi mysteriously tweeted, “It is so warm and beautiful here, everyone is smiling!” To avoid suspicion, a follow-up tweet from his account read: “I am among STUDENTS, enjoying the weather outside in Toronto #SpringHasArRYEved #hAhAhA.”

McMillen and Lachemi cannot be blamed for leaving since it was clear that staying on campus any longer was out of the question—they couldn’t miss out on their opportunity for an $8.50—tax included—round trip to engage with STUDENTS.

“This trip—I mean, business conference, has been planned for six weeks and it would be a shame to just let it go to waste,” McMillen told The Eye in an interview.

Based on their coincidental absences beginning March 9, it is presumed that Lachemi and McMillen left for STUDENTS on Friday evening.

Though it doesn’t appear on most maps, STUDENTS is allegedly located near the East Coast of Australia—where Lachemi was reportedly spotted in January just before the termination took place.

Given their location and the fact that Australia is 15 hours ahead of Toronto, McMillen and Lachemi were asleep in STUDENTS paradise while every other post-secondary institution cancelled classes. Because of this, Ryerson University was 15 hours behind every other school shutdown.

When COVID-19 hit STUDENTS, instead of cancelling in-person events and classes, Nosreyr encouraged school-wide gatherings where students held hands and would scream the virus out of its existence into the void.

“Sometimes we’d sing ‘Row row row your boat’ twice, or Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I Will Survive’ at the top of our lungs in the quad,” said fifth-year business management student Enalkam Revewed, “or whatever would bring us joy.”

The Nosreyr campus had their core revitalization project complete within the set timeline and the administrative faculty never experienced any problems with the student governing body because they share a mutual “no ill or will here” bond, according to the university’s media relations representative Nairb Nart.

The university’s beautified campus is very similar to Ryerson’s minus the decorative excavators, pebble collections, exquisitely placed fences and shiny extravagant pipes bellowing water vapour. It also has 15,000 shrubs, plants and bushes and more than seven million blades of grass.

However, with a great campus comes great responsibility, said Nosreyr president Demahom Imehcal. Since STUDENTS is located near Australia, there are countless species of giant bugs that would have a few of Ryerson’s rats, bed bugs and Eggy the Ram, as a treat.

Imehcal suspects that Lachemi and McMillen left after coming into contact with the giant bugs, since their trusted exterminator Orkin told them it only exterminates bed bugs on the 10th floor of the library and the seventh floor of the Ted Rogers School of Management.

Since returning to Ryerson on March 13, Lachemi and McMillen couldn’t bear to fix the mess they’ve made with the RSU and the student governments on campus. Instead, they conspired to divert students’ attention by sending them home to self-isolate in wake of COVID-19.

Ryerson was one of the last Ontario universities to cancel in-person courses and move online. Even the University of Toronto—that prides itself on staying open no matter what to laugh in the faces of their students—announced their preventative measures before Rye did.

“This is totally just being done as a precaution and has nothing to do with former student government problems,” Lachemi’s online statement read, before getting taken down for “technical reasons.”

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