Ryerson new year newsletter miraculously escapes spam filter

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Reading Time: 2 minutes

By Apurba Roy

In an exclusive find, The Eye has obtained a never-before-seen newsletter sent by the Ryerson administration: 

Dear students, 

Oh wait, you’re actually reading this? Well, hello, I guess? And welcome back to another semester spent in front of a bright screen that will make you want to take a five-hour nap (blue light glasses are no match for Ryerson lectures). 

To the four nerds who are still reading this, after the winter break that lasted two seconds and was spent holed up in our bedrooms watching The Queen’s Gambit, we are back for another semester where faculty and students will be united in spending most of their time saying: “Your mic is off!” We guarantee that you’ll still feel like you’re not absorbing any course material whatsoever.

We would tell you to push yourselves this semester and be better than before but who are we kidding? We just hope that this “boujee” newsletter that was written by an underpaid intern who doesn’t get a lunch break makes your tuition costs worth it. 

Anyways, let’s get to the news that you don’t care about since it’s not on Twitter! 

Ryerson in the news

Here are some headlines about people who have the same education as you but are doing way better than you ever will. 

  • Ryerson graduate is chosen to play basketball in the NBA with the up-and-coming Toronto Reptiles.
  • Former Ryerson chemistry major helps discover a new element that you will not be able to pronounce. 
  • Ryerson alumni embroiled in TikTok dance battle and lipsync feud with Addison Rae.
  • Ryerson graduate to produce the next Marvel movie. (Technically he transferred to York, but this still counts, right?) 

Upcoming events

Let’s pretend the pandemic isn’t happening! Sign up for these events and, please, for the love of God, turn your cameras on so it won’t be awkward. Feel free to introduce us to your pet hamster that keeps making noise in the background. 

Jan. 26: Kahoot Tournament

Join us for an hour-long Kahoot game where you’ll look up the answers and only show up to win a gift card! Keep in mind that due to budget cuts, the winner will receive 10 cents off a Tim Hortons black coffee, but only between the hours of 12 a.m. and 3 a.m.

Jan. 28: Writing Group

This writing group will supposedly help you get your assignments done, but we know you’re actually here just because you’re lonely. You must be really desperate. 

Jan. 30: Escape Room

Since you can’t escape the reality of a pandemic, let’s at least try with a mediocre escape room that isn’t any fun. 

President Lachemi’s welcome message

My boss says this newsletter is looking a little short so let’s pretend this is a paragraph with Ryerson president Mohamed Lachemi’s welcome back statement, which I have no interest in reading: 

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. In hac habitasse platea dictumst vestibulum rhoncus est pellentesque. Odio ut enim blandit volutpat maecenas volutpat blandit aliquam,” said president Lachemi.

That’s all for today, but don’t worry, we’ll be back in your spam folder soon.

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