By Kassie Hura
You’re probably running out of walls to punch this midterms szn, aren’t you Aries? I know it’s hard coping now that you and your fellow fire signs with anger issues can’t get to the Kerr Hall rooftop, screaming into the void to relieve stress pre-pandemic. Have you tried doing the same thing from the comfort of your bedroom? On the bright side, you’ll save on TTC fees.
A Taurus: “I’m just going to rest for five more minutes, so wake me up at dinner time and I’ll get some studying done then.” Translation: “I dare you to wake me up before I’ve napped for 16 hours. The power of my wrath will make you wish you had been struck by lightning instead. And yes, I still don’t have my course schedule memorized.”
Instead of freaking out on being behind, take a deep breath and channel the most productive of your multiple personalities. If you’re struggling with nervous energy, you may not be able to pet some therapy doggos at the SLC but you can watch a compilation of chihuahuas sniffing dandelions and sneezing on YouTube for hours.
Try not to cry too much, but if you can’t help yourself at least collect your tears in a cute mason jar to water your 1,000 assorted plants and succulents with. Even in tough times, your commitment to your aesthetic is greatly respected.
You didn’t learn anything in the first half of the semester because instead of listening to your Zoom lectures, you pinned yourself on your screen to make sure you looked like the baddest baddie in your accounting class. Now, all you know about accounting is that a liability is what you are on the weekends and an asset is what you throw back.
Try not to spend too much time writing strongly-worded emails to your profs describing how midterms are a monstrosity or commiserating with your peers on a WhatsApp course group chat. They’re still going to happen, so you better start studying, Virgo.
Everybody knows that answering “I don’t know” to everything is your signature move, but you’ve gotta have those answers now that it’s midterms szn. Your natural charm may help you during virtual office hours, but they won‘t be useful an hour before your 3,000 word essay on the German Revolutions of 1848 is due.
No, you can’t block your prof’s email because they didn‘t curve your midterm. No, don’t plot to set their house on fire as revenge, either. We know you’re unhinged, but perhaps try avoiding any felonies.
Sagittariuses are known to be the most unpredictable sign, so you won’t find them cramming for their tests or making cheat sheets. Rather, they‘re conjuring their dead relatives’ spirits off a Dollarama ouija board, accompanied by a date they will ghost within two days, to help them get that A+.
Capricorn in summary: Always on top of their work. We have nothing else to say about you because you’re perfect. Boring, but perfect. Carpal tunnel syndrome stretches will be your best friend for when you insist on writing out all your lecture notes by hand this midterm szn.
You’re way too quirky to feel like you have to do midterms so you booked a skiing vacation to Whistler, B.C. instead. Live out your main character fantasies; midterms are temporary but the cotty is forever.
You’re mad that it’s Pisces szn but we’re calling it midterms szn in this article. Sorry, not sorry. At least when midterms end, you’ll have two reasons to cry then black out on Zoom. Happy birthday!