By Uhanthaen Ravilojan
Feeling lonely this cuffing season? Check out these missed connections submitted by Ryerson students to see if someone has already fallen hard for you this fall.
Love at first fart
I ran into you last Wednesday on the GO train to Newmarket. I had baked beans and broccoli for breakfast, and when my gas attack inevitably hit, it coincided with your coughing fit. I was Fanny Flatulence and you were Robby Robitussin as each of your coughs covered my farts, so you could barely hear them. We must be star-crossed lovers, our bodies connected through fate; through love at first sight? I’ve never felt so connected with someone, so thrilled to be indisputably unalone. I look forward to seeing you again next Wednesday. I’ll be sure to snack on brussels sprouts beforehand.
Playing hard to get
We met at the start of the semester. I had on a pink sweater, leggings and a shy smile. You wore a brown Carhartt jacket and had deep blue eyes. I’ve wanted to talk to you again for so long, but never got the chance. We’re doing a group project together and I haven’t heard from you in weeks. WTF dude, pull your weight.
I forgot when exactly we lost touch. It might have been when I first started using the phrase ‘Let’s circle back’ in casual conversation, or when I told the Oreo Twitter account to bring back their blueberry pie flavour. I didn’t even know your name until I asked a friend about you, who said: “Oh, that’s just your hope for the future. I lost contact with mine when I transferred to business school.” It’s weird living without you. Now I send gifs saying “Thank God it’s Friday” to my work WhatsApp group every time the weekend rolls around. I used to want to be a marine biologist, what happened?
The one where they experience existential terror
Every week I see you at Balzac’s sitting with your group of friends who all have freakishly perfect teeth and speak solely in snappy one-liners. I wonder how, every time I see you, you’re always caught up in some new goofy scenario that gets neatly resolved by next week. Are you the main character of a sitcom? Is that why you sometimes have weird unnatural pauses in your speech, like your words are accompanied by a laugh track? And if you’re the main character of a sitcom, what does that make me? Am I a background character? Does the actor who’s playing me even show up in the credits? Is the entirety of my life—my hopes, experiences of love, grief, joy and suffering—trivial? Is the point of my existence is to populate the set of a TV show that’ll be watched by viewers only paying half-attention, who put it on as background noise while they wash the dishes?
Rizzoli & Isles?
You were in my philosophy of art class last winter. You asked lots of questions and I noticed on your wall you had a Rizzoli & Isles poster, which was weird because I didn’t know people still watched that show. Then I saw you sip coffee out of your Rizzoli & Isles coffee mug. I’m so confused. What is it about this middle-of-the-road crime drama that compelled you to buy two pieces of merchandise?
Cutie in my Zoom lecture
To the boy in my Zoom lecture with the cute septum piercing: Have you seen this video of an Ibex goat climbing a dam? It’s pretty fucking sick.