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All Fun & Satire

Words of wisdom for incoming first-year students

By Gabriela Silva Ponte

As the end of the year approaches, the 2022 class is graduating and the 2026 class is preparing to join us. That’s right…while the 2000s kids become depressed and unemployed, the 2004 children are hurling their Toxic by Britney Spears and Shrek 2 loving selves on Ryerson’s campus. 

The Eyeopener scoured the Student Learning Centre and sent out a Google Form on the Ryerson Textbook Marketplace Facebook page to get the best anonymous advice for incoming first-years.


“Avoid frat parties. They’re crowded with rude guys who charge way too much if you’re a dude just to get through the door.” 

— A rude guy who did nothing but party over the past four years. 

“You’ll quickly realize that your overachiever self who cried over less than 90 per cent and got along with everyone in high school won’t be around throughout university. Accept loneliness and failure before it even happens.” 

— A burnt out first-year who really needs a therapist. 

“Honestly, I found that having an iPad really helped. I bought a screen protector that feels like paper, an Apple Pencil that feels real and GoodNotes, which is nothing like a notebook.”

— A TikTok addict in denial of their procrastination issues. 

“It’s really easy to make friends in your classes because professors want you to have discussions with colleagues, and you find a lot of people with similar views.”

— A fake third-year who still lives at home and doesn’t hang out with anyone outside of class. 

“Honestly, I learned a lot of things, like St. Patrick’s Day and Homecoming are just excuses for university kids to get drunk.”

— A student who never got invited to party at Queen’s.  

“DO YOUR COURSE INTENTIONS. I can’t stress this enough, but our website crashes ALL the time on the day you’re supposed to choose your courses. So make sure you wake up early and add the classes you need to your cart before it even starts.”

— The only actually helpful person in this whole article. 

 “There is quite literally a class for any of your interests, and I recommend exploring them all! I’ve taken classes from American Sign Language to Sex and The City.” 

— A third-year who has yet to pick what they’re minoring in. 

“Make friends with your RA so they don’t get mad at you for having a microwave in your dorm.” 

— A student who has had far too many unexpected visits from their floor’s RA to their dorm full of alcoholic beverages while they were hungover. 

“Don’t ask professors too many questions or show them any indication that you’re stressed because they’ll start to hate you.” 

— A second-year with a fear of authority figures. 

“Course group chats will only stress you out. Keep the notifications muted.” 

— Someone who will only interact with their peers when they have a question about an assignment.  

“As much as taking notes on paper will help you memorize stuff, it’s much easier to type and just study more when exam season hits.” 

— A student who doesn’t realize they’re on their way to developing carpal tunnel syndrome. 

“It’s impossible to do all the readings. Learn to skim or get over not doing a few week’s worth of readings.” 

— A student who spends countless sleepless nights reading One Direction fan fiction. 

“Working part-time is an absolutely fantastic idea.” 

— Someone who spends all their earnings buying bacon and egg muffins at the Tim Hortons on Victoria Street. 

“You’ll find yourself spending a lot of time at Eaton Centre. So get acquainted with your fear of malls.” 

— Literally every student ever. 

“Participation marks are life savers. Make sure to participate in class.” 

— A student who used the Raise Hand button during Zoom lectures so much the professor knew their name when in-person classes started.

“Be sure to join a club, sport or team. They’re the easiest way to build your portfolio and make some new friends.” 

— Someone who doesn’t deal with imposter syndrome on a daily basis. 

That about sums up the best that Ryerson students had to offer. Good luck to the graduating class of 2022 on their forthcoming hunt for a job, and to the incoming class, remember: when all advice fails, check the r/Ryerson subreddit. 

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