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All Fun & Satire

Celebrity crush or unhealthy obsession?

By Zarmminaa Rehman

Disclaimer: Sources and quotes in this story have been made up for satire despite the very real and very common obsession for Michael Cera

Grief has stricken the family of 23-year-old former Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) student Jaime Flower-Pilgrim—every parent’s worst nightmare for their child’s future.

Flower-Pilgrim’s family has relayed that their eldest child’s diehard crush on Canadian actor Michael Cera is tearing their family apart. Though The Eyeopener tried to reach their parents for further comment, they declined to respond because Flower-Pilgrim’s actions left them distraught.

The lone ranger—the ex-sixth-year biomedical engineering student—was described by their siblings and their only remaining friend to have been “simple” and “sweet” before their personality took an unexpected turn following an induction of devotion to Cera.

The fixation was alleged to have begun while Flower-Pilgrim was watching a movie starring Cera—Scott Pilgrim vs. the World—in their Grade 10 English class. The seemingly innocent infatuation has since progressed into an integral aspect of Flower-Pilgrim’s life—trumping all other hobbies and academics. It eventually reached a point where their sister said she was “surprised they even got accepted to a university at all.” 

Family members have claimed that Flower-Pilgrim is also the proud founder and sole member of a Cera fan club that has been running for the past eight years, titled “Michael Cera Fans Forever and Ever, Made Devoted Lovers Once We Saw Him in Yellow Shorts.”

“You don’t just mentally recover from stuff like that”

Even Flower-Pilgrim’s name was a result of their obsession, having legally changed it from their birth name after rewatching Scott Pilgrim 72 times.

The chaotic fan’s sister described them as “a more-or-less normal human” near the beginning of their love for Cera…until stuff got really weird.

“Jaime has always been an interesting sibling…but that CeraVe guy?” she said, aghast. “I knew shit hit the fan when I encountered a lotion shrine in the den with pictures of the dude pasted all over the walls—you don’t just mentally recover from stuff like that.”

The shrine their sister described is decorated with every photo and action shot taken from Cera’s most famous shows and movies, including but not limited to Superbad, Arrested Development, Barbie and of course, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

The most shocking part for her was a framed display of paid commission work—depicting Cera and Flower-Pilgrim in the back-drop of Kerr Hall. The two are shown to be clad in mascot costumes—Cera’s eerily resembling Frankie the Falcon—recreating the horizontal tango (a PG-13 version).

Though most of Flower-Pilgrim’s friendships have met their demise due to the endless strain of having to compete with Cera, their only friend, Cera Fan 1* said she didn’t notice “anything out of the ordinary” until a debate sparked between them on who was the real main character in Barbie

“I told them the movie is literally titled Barbie so obviously the movie’s main character is Barbie…and by extension, Ken,” she declared. “Jaime then pulled out a comically large folded mind map to prove me wrong. Our friendship hasn’t been the same since.”

The Eye caught up with Flower-Pilgrim to ask for their thoughts on this unfolding scandal.

“I think the love between a fan and their celebrity is both consequential and wholesome,” reasoned Flower-Pilgrim. “Michael Cera deserves the love we give to all these other mediocre actors—what has Leonardo DiCaprisun ever offered the world?”

“Our friendship hasn’t been the same since”

Flower-Pilgrim also mentioned that while they don’t plan on attending school anymore, perhaps some acting lessons will come in handy when they move to New York City for their Y/N moment.

“How can I ever ‘Cera-nade’ my idol without any form of credentials?” they scoffed plainly. “It only makes sense to connect through the arts—the dramatic arts.”

For Flower-Pilgrim, the easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy decision to change paths was only inevitable. University wasn’t their calling but they wish they had realized this sooner. 

“TMU seemed to be a good choice—but for who exactly?” they exasperated. “At least I realized that I have to be free to practice my calling. I just feel sorry for those who haven’t sought their calling.”

Although they hope their family doesn’t feel too disappointed with their choices, the young adult is finally owning up to who they’ve been all along.

“Some children have a fear of disappointing their parents through their academic choices. But me? My life is a constant ride on a highway to hell-slash-heaven,” they explained. “In the wise words of someone great, I said ‘Ciao Knives’ to my university and now I’m gonna ‘Get a Life.’”

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