By frankiefan57
Disclaimer: This story contains enough truth to ruffle your feathers. Any satire included is purely coincidental.
Frankie the Falcon, Toronto Metropolitan University’s (TMU) brand-new mascot, is inevitably—for lack of a better word—sexy.
The fearsome falcon finally found their name moments before the puck drop at TMU’s 2023 homecoming game, as previously reported by The Eyeopener. Since then, Frankie has been the talk of the university—particularly because of their ravishing looks.
What’s not to like? Covered in royal blue and gold, they drop jaws—and pants—each time they enter the Mattamy Athletic Centre (MAC). All it takes is one spread of their mighty wings for the crowd to throw roses at their feet—or rather, talons—and scream their name.
“Frankie’s ass is so phat,” moaned a student during one of Frankie’s appearances at a TMU basketball game, her eyes locked onto the bird’s behind.
They are delicious, it’s true. Who could resist this mighty fowl’s feathery form? However, no mascot is perfect, and there is one qualm of Frankie’s that’s impossible to ignore—their chopstick-skinny legs.
True Blue, the University of Toronto Varsity Blues’ mascot has the thiccest thighs—and the thickest head. Even York University’s Yeo the Lion can manage to show off some high definition in a pair of tights. Unfortunately, Frankie’s legs aren’t quite as bold.
“I’m sure Frankie has a great personality,” said a member of TMU’s athletic team. “But how are we expected to be taken seriously as a team if our mascot doesn’t rep the same colossal calves as our players?”
“Me personally, I would have preferred to be represented by a pigeon,” she said. “Or even an emu. There’s nothing bolder than an emu.”
“How are we expected to be taken seriously if our mascot doesn’t rep the same colossal calves as our players?”
Upon further investigation by The Eye, it was discovered that Frankie had neglected any sort of leg training while preparing to become the Bold’s new mascot. It seems Frankie focused the majority of their exercise routine on flexing their feathers into a ‘thumbs-up’ position instead of thrusting their thunderous thighs.
Some TMU students have raised concerns about the matter, though not necessarily just because it could reflect poorly on their performance as the university’s mascot.
“Honestly, it’s kind of an ick,” said the attendee at one of the Bold’s basketball games. “But at the end of the day, it’s not their legs that need to be thick.”
A poster with the hashtag “BringSexyBack” was pasted just outside Frankie’s locker room at the MAC shortly after an in-arena screening of the 2024 Foosbowl championship.
Any evidence leading to who put the sign up is not yet known, though a faint hoofprint was reported to have been seen on the bottom right-hand corner.
Though the controversy regarding the mascot’s calves continues, some claim Frankie should embrace their ‘stilts’ as a response to the hate.
Gavin Axelrod, a former sports editor at The Eye, said he’s glad Frankie can grace the MAC the way they’re known and loved.
“Honestly, I appreciate that Frankie can be confident in the skin they’re in,” said Axelrod. “Maybe the real Frankie was a metaphor for body positivity all along.”
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