By Ella Miller
So, you want the real scoop? Gather around, my “frosh” meat. Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) boasts a labyrinthian campus spanning the entirety of Toronto’s downtown core. There are definitely some places and attractions you might have missed while being shepherded from place to place by an underpaid student guide. Fear not sheeple, this seasoned spelunker is here to free you from the Lachemi-sanctioned shackles.
- Kerr Hall Dungeon
Heed my warning, the Kerr Hall Dungeon—title pending approval—is not for the faint of heart. This place has everything: abandoned furniture, dead-end hallways and a stage where Frankie the Falcon will perform stand-up comedy in exchange for flex dollars. If you listen closely, you can still hear the tortured screams of financial mathematics students sacrificed by their peers in exchange for an understanding of the stochastic process.
- Lake Devo Wooden Structure
If the evil dungeon isn’t entirely your speed, then check out the benevolent Lake Devo Wooden Structure. What’s in it for you? In the winter months, it serves as the occasional skate rental stand. In the warmer months, it’s an Airbnb for summer school exchange students. So Muskoka-core, n’est pas? Fun fact for horror fans, this is actually where they filmed Evil Dead 2. The Necronomicon was, really, an old textbook from the bowels of the TMU library.
- Gould Street Dumpster
Across from the Student Campus Centre, you may catch a whiff of the Gould Street Dumpster. Wafting its foul juices into the front lawn of Oakham House, this dumpster is part of the campus’ “trashy-chic” ambience. The engineering department is currently working on a perfume of its signature scent. The eau de rat corpse and Pitman Dining Hall slop will be sold in the campus store this holiday season.
- Sally Horsfall Eaton Centre
A civil war is brewing on campus inside the unsuspecting Sally Horsfall Eaton Centre. Certain floors of this compound are forbidden to average TMU students in favour of George Brown College students. It’s about time we figure out what they’re up to and when they’ll strike next. So far, all of our espionage efforts have been foiled but that will change once our comrades come out of deep cover. Fly my monkeys! Fly!
- Mattamy Athletic Centre
To the north of campus, you will find the sprawling Mattamy Athletic Centre, the former home of the Toronto Maple Leafs and current home of a Loblaws. Throughout the facility, you’ll discover mementos to the past, including an old stadium chair mounted to the wall. If the legends are to be believed, then whomever sits upon the wall throne will be crowned the next King of TMU—could it be you?
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