By Dylan Marks
Disclaimer: Much like your average car windshield, this story is full of shit. It also features bird-brained satire and ‘tall tails’ so don’t let it ruffle your feathers!
After taking five weeks off the job for his mandatory anger management training following another-birdly altercation, Frankie the Falcon is back on campus!
As a result of his attack on a small group of pigeons over a Metro whiskey chicken wrap, the trial held at the Superior Court of Justice’s ruling really helped Frankie begin to put things in perspective.
“I flocked up, what can I say? I let a lot of people down with the way I acted,” said Frankie in an apology video posted to YouTube. “I’m doing a lot better now. My anger is under control and it’s time I spread my wings and fly.”
Now that he’s back, Frankie has been delegated the first-ever presidential task of pardoning a Thanksgiving turkey at Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU).
When asked why Frankie was chosen to pardon the Thanksgiving turkey this year, TMU President Mohamed Lachemi stated, “I’ve gone through more ups and downs with that bird than anyone else in my life. Frankie may be a falcon but he’s a damn good man.”
When informed that Frankie is in fact not a falcon but a person in an oversized bird costume, Lachemi responded, “Da-fuh?”
The turkey chosen for the ceremony has been identified as Gary the Turkey, a broad breasted white male who loves margaritas and long walks on the beach—though he has never experienced either because he is a turkey.
“I flocked up, what can I say? I let a lot of people down with the way I acted”
“I was hatching a plan to go back in time to the first Thanksgiving to get turkeys off the menu,” said Gary. “Then the next thing I knew, I’m being flown to a university campus in a helicopter.”
Although Frankie was initially hesitant to pardon Gary after some exchanges of fowl language, the two realized they weren’t so different after all.
“We’re basically the same guy. His favourite band is The Eagles, I love The Eagles. He likes the Orioles, I’m a Jays guy but I mean we both love baseball. He likes sitting on phone lines and pooping on cars and I also do that,” Frankie said.
What began as a meaningless ceremony developed into a budding “bird-mance” as the two discovered that a pardoned turkey and a guy in a falcon costume could get up to some serious tomfoolery in this town.
“At first I was afraid, I was petrified, but it turns out Frankie’s a chill guy, I mean he saved my life,” said Gary. “He’s taking me out to all his favourite TMU hangouts, the Met Campus Pub, Zanzibar and Metro’s back alley.”
When commenting on why Frankie and Gary’s relationship seemed to work so effortlessly, aviary specialist, Billy Eyelash suggested, “birds of a feather, they stick together.”
“I was in a really bad place before I met Gary,” Frankie stated. “I may have pardoned him but that dude saved my life. I was ready to start going to kids birthday parties and take off my head for the thrill.”
When asked what their plans are to keep their friendship blooming, Gary responded, “We’re thinking of going south for the winter, maybe watching Top Gun with only jeans and shades on, passing around a volleyball and selling shower curtain rings.”
“He likes sitting on phone lines and pooping on cars, and I also do that”
The two are currently planning on starting a band with their focus now being on workshopping potential names. These include Fleetwood Macaw, The Cranbirdies, The Beastie Birds and The Fowl Flighters.
Leave a Reply