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A overhead shot of hands grabbing at random office items in a break room
(SAMMY KOGAN/THE EYEOPENER)
All Fun & Satire The 9 to 5 Issue

Once upon a time: Tales from the break room

By Atiya Malik

Those of us who’ve worked a minimum wage job have probably experienced the disaster that is the staff break room. For many, it’s a sacred place to relax, gossip and question all of your life choices. But the weird odds and ends lurking in this peculiar room tend to appear unusual to the outsider’s eye.

Buckle up for an all-inclusive tour of the most unique, confusing and downright bizarre break room quirks that just make sense.

From Tupperware to treasure

Here in the break room, expiration dates are just a suggestion—especially when it comes to refrigerated items. There’s always that one mysterious container in the fridge that’s slowly evolving into a science experiment.

Rumour has it that it was left behind by a former co-worker who vanished and now it’s just…there—nameless, untouched and completely invisible to everyone who opens the fridge. This Tupperware is a piece of history that lives with us. At what point does it deserve its own employee name tag?

Didn’t get the same break as your favourite co-workers? Don’t worry, the mice will keep you company! In the break room, mouse traps have become pure decoration and a part of the unique workplace aesthetic. Nobody knows where these pests come from or how many of them there are but these little guys make sure there is never a dull moment, especially when the health inspectors come around.

The seating saga

The break room chairs are a trusted piece of workplace furniture. They’re the go-to spot to kick back, ditch those customer service smiles and recharge! However, they’re not the most comfortable. Many are often hard on the back and some of them have wonky legs that make the chairs wobble as you debrief with your co-workers.

Remember the couch we used to have? Yeah, we actually lost our couch privileges after someone thought it would be fun to jump on it and break the springs. Now we make the most of what we have but, to be honest, that couch needed to retire anyway. Every time you sat on it, a cloud of dust would magically form around you as if you had just cast a spell. Hogwarts would be proud.

The old busted microwave is your most trusted ally! Despite its questionable hygiene, there is much to appreciate. The handle might be hanging on for dear life, and every time you turn it on, it may sound like it’s about to take off. Let’s not even discuss the permanent food stains left inside after somebody’s plastic container exploded. But hear me out, that microwave is a trooper in my eyes, a glimpse of hope even when the lunch options are looking rough. When it comes to reheating yesterday’s leftovers, she has got your back! Not all heroes wear capes.

Clocking out…

Despite these break room must-haves’ bizarre quirks, they come together to make a pretty cool hangout spot for you and your coworkers. I mean, where else can you bond over wobbly chairs, a microwave that sounds like a spaceship, mouse friends and a fridge that’s practically a time capsule? That’s all for this tour, see you on your next break!

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