Disclaimer: The following “news” bites are merely parodies of The Eyeopener’s Eyeflashes. Nothing below is factual or to be believed. If you’re coming to the fun & satire section for news, I hate to break it to you but you’re on the wrong page, buddy.
TMU building to be constructed with gingerbread cookies
By Sarah Grishpul
Toronto Metropolitan University’s (TMU) Smart Campus Integration and Testing Hub (SCITHub) will now be built entirely from gingerbread cookies.
The building’s construction has been delayed significantly after the school lost all funds dedicated to the project in an online cryptocurrency scam.
“My bad, y’all,” said TMU President Mohamed Lachemi.
TMU has now pivoted from marketing the site as the “world’s first digitally-enabled building,” as previously reported by The Eyeopener, to the “world’s first building made entirely from cookie.”
The university hired a new construction company to add some “speed and efficiency” to their development project. Gingy & Son promise they use “biodegradable products” and that all materials will be baked at an internal temperature of 190 degrees C.
Frankie the Falcon receives a disciplinary charge for pooping on school property
By Adriana Fallico
Frankie the Falcon found himself in a smelly situation yet again after he received a disciplinary charge for allegedly pooping on school property.
Details around the incident remain muddy, but according to pigeons in the area Frankie was seen “in a squatting position near the Daphne Cockwell Centre (DCC) after eating a street-vendor burrito.”
When security showed up, Frankie allegedly tried to blame the pigeons for the mess. Witnesses on the scene said Frankie was dragged away after getting repeatedly pecked in the ankles—and stepping in his own shit.
Frankie has since been banned from entering the DCC for the rest of the academic year, a ban that may be revoked if he learns to clean his shit up.
‘I choked on my Crumbl Cookie at The Well shopping complex’
By Caleb Jackson
The Well, a shopping complex on Front Street West, recently opened its doors to the famous cookie company, Crumbl Cookie.
The Eyeopener sent a reporter over to The Well for the store’s grand opening and managed to speak to one of the customers trying their very first cookie from the location.
“I choked on my Crumbl Cookie. Too crumbly. Too many crumbs,” said the patron, who wishes to remain anonymous. “It really lives up to the name.”
They went on to describe the cookie as “that of the sands of the Sahara,” and that it was definitely not worth its hefty price tag of $6 per cookie.
Crumbl Cookie denied responsibility for the brief asphyxiation, stating “he’s the one that went for the oatmeal raisin.”
New mural coming to campus
By Ella Miller
A new mural has been commissioned for the side of the South Bond Building by the Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) Beautification Committee.
The South Bond Building currently hosts the School of Urban & Regional Planning.
The mural would depict scenes from past buildings on Yonge Street that were “revamped” to make way for the expansion of TMU’s campus and more high-rise condos.
These buildings include the iconic Sam the Record Man flagship store which was humanely re-homed to make way for the Sheldon & Tracy Levy Student Learning Centre.
The mural is intended to inspire a future generation of urban planners with a “beauteous glorification of past feats of astounding gentrification” according to the Beautification Committee.
Air Canada pop-up coffee shop opens near campus
By Hailey Ford
Air Canada’s promotional coffee shop pop-up is now open only 15 minutes away from Toronto Metropolitan University’s (TMU) campus.
The pop-up, completely irrelevant to students beyond some degree of proximity, will offer a one per cent discount to university students who purchase a drink on weekend mornings.
Orson Shill, a former Air Canada frequent flyer and fourth-year business management student, said he loves the idea and will be sure to check it out if he remembers to.
“I don’t really do coffee,” Shill said. “It’s more about being part of an opportunity for people to feel emotionally connected to a corporation.”
The shop will be open until Dec. 17.
University hosts ‘How to Plan a Conference: Conference’ in the conference room
By Adriana Fallico
Questions surrounded Toronto Metropolitan University’s (TMU) recent event that was open to all students and faculty.
The university hosted a panel titled “How to Plan a Conference: Conference,” which was centred around “the importance of creating the most rambunctious, exciting and jaw-dropping conference ever.”
Some of the main talking points included “the need for a dazzling red carpet, the importance of free merchandise like pens or tote bags and making sure that all water bottles handed out are not room temperature.”
TMU is expected to hold the same conference every two weeks, with the location changing each time.
“Second rule of conference hosting, schedule ‘em where they least expect it,” said organizer Connie Frence.
The base of the confusion stems from why this event needed to be held at all, something even TMU President Mohamed Lachemi is lost on.
“People wanted me to say a couple things, but honestly, I just showed up for the snacks,” said Lachemi.
The Zodiac Shitter hits TMU bathrooms
By Vihaan Bhatnagar
Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) Custodial Services is in disarray as the school’s bathrooms get hit by the mysterious Zodiac Shitter.
According to campus security, the Zodiac Shitter has been hitting universities across Toronto—leaving bathrooms clogged and overwhelmed.
TMU’s security services administrator Bruce Wendell said, “We will find him. Nobody gets away with this. Justice will prevail.”
The Zodiac Shitter’s attacks started at George Brown College, leading many to speculate that the culprit is a student at the school. Skeptics say that George Brown was only the first target because its name lends itself to the joke.
York University was the next target of the Zodiac Shitter. This makes TMU the third university in this string of attacks.
TMU’s custodial services administrator George Klein said, “Yeah someone’s been shitting in the bathrooms more than usual. I guess it’s a problem.”
Lachemi is ‘holding space’ for the lyrics of ‘Defying Gravity’
By Sarah Grishpul
Following a private screening of the musical film Wicked this weekend, Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) President Mohamed Lachemi could not stop singing in the office come Monday.
In an interview with The Eyeopener, Lachemi said he is “holding space” for the lyrics of ‘Defying Gravity.’
“I just really liked the movie,” he said while jerking his neck side-to-side and whispering “toss toss” under his breath. “I don’t care what the haters have to say, Ariana Grande was perfect for the role.”
Lachemi’s secretary Bam Peesley told The Eye that she “couldn’t take the tone-deaf singing anymore” and that plans for an intervention were in place.
Little building in Little Canada dozed to build little condo tower
By Edward Lander
A group of renters inside Little Canada, the miniature tourist attraction at Yonge-Dundas Square, are frustrated by a condo set to replace their homes.
According to the renters, they were forcefully evicted by their landlord by way of vacuum cleaner and tweezers in the “wee hours of the night.”
“It was terrifying,” said Paul. E. Pocket, one of the affected residents.
“One minute I was relaxing, listening to Blink 182’s ‘All The Small Things,’ next thing I was being sucked out the window.”
Pocket said his personal belongings were damaged during the abrupt and disorderly eviction.
“I lost a bottle cap, a thumbtack and my copy of Little Women.”
Pocket said he’ll be taking his landlord to small claims court over the matter.
This is only the most recent redevelopment of a string of projects across the miniature city. Just last year, Little Honest Ed’s was razed to build Little Mirvish Village.
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