By Hajir Butt
On the first day of his internship at Toronto Metropolitan University’s (TMU) Zone Learning this summer, fourth-year graphic communications management student Ethan Garfield dons a proper dress shirt and dress pants, eager to make a good, lasting impression on his fellow interns and employers. Having landed his first internship as a content creation assistant in graphic design and video, Garfield was eager to begin his new work experience.
Having never worked in an office setting before, it takes Garfield some time to get used to this switch from the academic world—one that felt safe and familiar. The “daunting” transition into the professional landscape is uncharted territory, one that would often feel undeserving to him.
Internal comparisons arise within Garfield as he sees his peers’ work and feels that others might be doing “better” than him.
“I just felt maybe they should have chosen another candidate. Maybe I wasn’t the right choice. I see other people doing these crazy internships and it’s like ‘What am I doing?’” he asks himself.
“When I’m working on a project, I feel like I have to make sure it’s up to the standards and everything’s perfect because I gotta prove myself,” he explains.
To deal with these persisting thoughts, Garfield finds himself going by the mantra of “fake it till you make it”—a phrase all too common for those trying to push through their apprehensions. “Even if I don’t feel like I belong, I’ll fake it as best as I can,” he says.
On top of his uncertainty was the determination to fit into this new professional environment. Feeling like he was walking on eggshells, cautious of every step, “I didn’t want to overstep my boundaries,” he says.
The first three weeks were “tough,” says Garfield. “I was trying to fit in right away, to be very professional.”
At times, the immense pressure placed upon him became isolating, making him feel as if he were the only one thinking this way. That separation of experiences makes it all the more difficult to speak about with others—whether they’re his co-workers or friends.
“It’s taxing mentally, always trying to keep up that facade. But you just got to realize that they picked you for a reason.” Garfield says he often notices that being genuine outweighs imitation. “By being myself, that’s where I’m the most authentic and I’m getting work done.”
“Fake it till you make it.”
This is a phrase many toss around light-heartedly with a smile on their lips or while joking with friends about the challenging expectations of finding success in the workforce.
For many students entering the job industry, it can feel as if they’re wearing a disguise, one that would work just fine if it weren’t for the haunting sense that someone would eventually find out there is a fraud amongst them—that someone shouldn’t be there. Always a student, never a professional.
A study by the Canadian Medical Association defines imposter syndrome as a “psychological pattern of fear and self-doubt.” It reads, “It interferes with people’s belief in their own accomplishments and burdens them with the persistent, internalized fear of being exposed as a fraud — despite evidence of their abilities.”
As TMU students delve into the world of internships and co-ops, often finalizing their university journeys, a sense of excitement that new experiences will take them far arises. The hope is that this exciting new chapter will allow them to showcase what they are capable of. This newfound exhilaration, however, can be clouded for some as they are struck with unwarranted doubts that their skills are not adequate for the position they are in.
A study by the British Educational Research Association found that up to 82 per cent of students surveyed experience imposter syndrome. While the condition isn’t deemed a clinical diagnosis but rather a phenomenon experienced by many, there is a growing understanding that this is not just a solitary experience but a shared struggle.
Oakville, Ont.-based psychotherapist Hina Mirza finds that imposter syndrome often exists in people who are “highly successful, high performers, perfectionists and high achievers who have a skewed perspective of reality.”
Mirza says the type of people with imposter syndrome are often people their peers might least expect.
“They have it all figured out. They’re running a club, working on the school newspaper. They’ve got great grades, so their peers actually might even look up to them,” she explains.
However, despite these achievements, they don’t equate their successes with their talent and instead still feel the need to prove themselves further. “What’s happening around them is not equal to what is happening inside of them,” Mirza says.
She finds that imposter syndrome is an “underlying issue” that lingers in a person until they awaken it with self-doubt.
Often people experiencing imposter syndrome don’t just develop it in their secondary school years. Rather, it shows itself in various ways through life or lies dormant until the stresses of undergrad awaken it, Mirza explains.
“It’s a pre-existing condition that just gets exaggerated when students are put in a certain situation, whether it’s a high-performing work environment or a high-performing academic environment.”
Imposter syndrome, which has its roots in low self-esteem and is impacted by familial and cultural expectations, can co-exist with various mental health conditions such as anxiety, perfectionism and stress according to Mirza.
Psychology Today echoes this saying “Societal and cultural expectations also play a significant role in this phenomenon. Many cultures place a high value on familial obligations and community ties. Leaving these behind can feel like a violation of these deeply ingrained norms”
She relates the overwhelming feeling of trying to over-achieve to the never-ending spinning wheel of a hamster.
“There’s this thing called the hamster wheel effect where you’re running on a hamster wheel and you’re going as fast as you can and as hard as you can, but you’re really not going anywhere.”
The constant comparison or the desire to keep reaching higher achievements propels the individual into a non-stop motion that ends up taking much more energy than necessary.
“They’re not getting enough sleep, or they’re not getting enough rest,” expresses Mirza.
Those with imposter syndrome might not even notice they have it. They reject well-deserved praise from others, still believing that their work isn’t deserving of it.
“Usually what will happen is that—during the four years of their undergrad—it will probably go undetected. They’ll burn out on the inside.”
“It’s taxing mentally, always trying to keep up that facade. But you just got to realize that they picked you for a reason.”
Sitting at a dinner table amongst co-workers with wide smiles, laughing amongst themselves and talking mostly about hockey, fifth-year public health student Nesrin Hassan Gima feels the nerves when taking part in the second co-op she completed—as a fire life safety intern at the real estate company Cadillac Fairview in Downtown Toronto.
“It was me, the CEO and a bunch of other white guys. They’re just talking all this jargon that I wasn’t able to relate to,” Hassan admits. “I’m a Black Muslim woman, so I didn’t have the same experiences, so it had me feeling very left out.”
Hassan is no stranger to the world of co-ops with three already under her belt. First at the hospitality company Oliver & Bonacini as a restaurant health inspector, then at Cadillac Fairview and finally at Markham Stouffville Hospital as an occupational health student.
Despite her multitude of experiences, the journey to professionalism was nerve-wracking for Hassan as she started her first co-op at 19 years old. “For a kid, it was hard to get used to.”
She admits that her first two co-ops were mostly about learning and familiarizing herself with a workplace. While she had built up her confidence by her third co-op, she still found herself doubting her own knowledge, afraid that despite knowing her capabilities, she couldn’t bring them to the table.
Hassan says she often wrestles with self-doubt, alternating between questioning her own knowledge and feeling uncertain about asserting herself.
“I knew that I knew things, but it was scary to speak up,” she says. “If we were sitting in a meeting and I had previous knowledge, it would be hard to bring things up because you’re the youngest person on the team and I was trying to justify that I knew things.”
As the only hijabi woman of colour in most of her co-ops, she finds it difficult knowing that she is “different” and worries that people might not take her seriously, even when diversity is present in the workplace.
Research conducted by Kevin Cokley at the University of Michigan finds that people of colour experience a type of imposter syndrome that creates “professional self-doubt…due to experiences, systems or principles of racial oppression and inequity.”
However, during that same dinner at Cadillac Fairview, Hassan has an epiphany. As she was sitting with eight other male interns at one table, two other girls were at another with one senior leader. One of the senior leaders at Hassan’s table turned to her and said, “You should’ve been at the other table with the girls.”
“But why?” Hassan found herself reflecting after the dinner. “You didn’t bother to connect with me at all. You were just talking to the guy beside you because you knew his dad and played hockey with him in the 80s,” Hassan notes, having felt ignored.
This assertion made her feel as if she wasn’t supposed to be there or that she would be better suited to sit elsewhere, further making her feel like she was detached from the situation. “It was an alienating thing where I was like, ‘Okay that’s enough. Let me make space for myself,’” Hassan laughs.
“I have a ways to go and I kind of still struggle with imposter syndrome,” says Hassan. This year, she is serving as the public health course union president, a job which requires her to oversee tasks to help engage the student body within the program. “I love my team and doing what I’m doing but sometimes, I do wonder if I’m the most capable person for the job. There are so many competent people in my program.”
When Angela Chen lands her dream co-op at Sanofi, a pharmaceutical company based in North York, Ont., she thinks to herself, “This is my shot, I gotta make it a hell of a good one.”
The fourth-year chemical engineering student chose her program hoping to explore the new creative changes in the technology sphere.
Sanofi is her dream placement, and when she received the acceptance letter from the company stating she had been hired for a critical utility co-op, she couldn‘t believe it.
“I still can’t really believe it now,” she admits.
Her first day at Sanofi is encapsulated by a vast building, a new environment and a ton of critical utility equipment. “It was like diving into a whole new world,” she remembers.
The mechanical room is monumental for Chen. Standing amongst all the machinery that she had studied in her courses and classes as an engineer is “surreal.”
“When I walked in, it was really cool,” she says. “But I felt like I was undeserving of being physically there. I felt like there was this giant distance between what I am and what I think I am.”
That feeling of imposter syndrome is not isolated to her work. It follows her in academic spaces, affecting her coursework and mindset.
“There was the idea that if you work weekends and get a good mark, then you deserve that mark,” she says. “So when I didn’t work on weekends, I would feel that I truly didn’t deserve it. It felt like it was more out of luck than actual effort.”
Other pressures contributed to this sense of having to prove herself. At Sanofi, Chen is the only woman in her internship, except for a member of her senior leadership who left after four months. This contributes to her feelings of inadequacy as she feels the need to showcase her ability to be there.
Chen’s job is to maintain the critical utility pieces of machinery ensuring they are up to date. One of her tasks is adding salt to the equipment to restore systems and uphold their efficiency.
“It was a lot of manual labour. I had to carry these very heavy salt bags and everyone would say ‘You can always ask us to do it for you.’ But then I didn’t want to ask around and have them think, ‘Oh she’s a female, so we can’t hire more because they are going to keep asking [for help].’”
A study in the McMaster Undergraduate Journal of Social Psychology found that those who identify as female are more likely to experience elements of imposter syndrome. Their survey found that female-identifying individuals were more likely to worry about maintaining success, recalling their failures more frequently and being more overwhelmed with tasks.
“It contributes to our overall society where men are generally accepted in all roles. We still have men versus women at the workplace where women feel they have to work twice as hard to get half as successful as a man,” says Mirza.
There was a moment when Chen came to a realization that calmed those self-doubts, making it clear that her efforts truly did make a difference.
A massive stack of paperwork is piling up on a desk in the main office. Everyone keeps throwing paperwork and building the pile creating an overflowing mess. As Chen continues walking past, it keeps growing.
As someone who loves organizing, spreadsheets and data entry, Chen decides to take matters into her own hands and organize the pile in her free time.
Thankful for the effort Chen dedicated to the project, her supervisor commends her efforts, saying she saved the company many hours by taking matters into her own hands. Chen distinctly remembers a “thank you” message on an office board.
While this moment may seem small, it propels her to become more confident in her position at Sanofi. “I did something that I wanted to do myself, and I realized I should not try to be someone else. I’m the best at being me, and I’m probably the worst at trying to be somebody else.”
“I would feel that I truly didn’t deserve it. It felt like it was more out of luck than actual effort.”
Garfield recalls that the first day of his internship compared to his last was like “night and day,” where he found himself more in the groove by the end of his internship. “I was more relaxed. I was talking to my co-workers.”
He feels most comfortable in moments when he steps away from the intimidation and the pressures of the professional world. He finds comfort in the camaraderie of the office, especially on Wednesdays when team members bring snacks and take time out of their days to talk, relax and let the worries of work dissipate.
Mirza believes that friends and peers are essential in helping those with imposter syndrome feel comforted and validated. “Peers, teachers and professors, classmates and friends, are all great people who can identify if a person has a concern with imposter syndrome,” she says.
While imposter syndrome is seen as a “mild condition,” Mirza feels that seeking therapy can lessen the stresses of any mental health issue. “The most important thing to do is encourage these people to get help because that’s the first step towards healing.”
Garfield found that the people at Zone Learning understood that other students were there and that everyone might be in the same boat. “As the summer went on, I realized they were all chill,” Garfield says. “They’re also human, just like us.”
While his confidence was built over the course of his internship, Garfield still feels that sense of imposter syndrome. “I still go by the thing, ‘fake it till you make it,’” he says.
“Just always give it your 100 per cent.” he continues. “It’s all gonna be okay. It’ll work out.”
*A previous version of this story stated Angela Chen was a third-year chemical engineering student. The Eye regrets this error.
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