By Peyton Andino
Disclaimer: All characters and quotes have been strung from the imagination of Miss Andino. Any attribution to public figures is false. Doug Ford does not actually hate those with silly and sick rides.
Biking has proven to be an efficient and environmentally-friendly way to get to your lecture right on time. However, Ontario Premier Doug Ford’s proposed $48 million bike lane removal plan is dedicated to making sure the average Toronto cyclist does not enjoy their commute.
Despite what the public may think, this removal will not just impact the loyal bikers of the city but countless other travelers. Let’s hear from some unknown riders who claim this proposal will make a Doug-sized difference in their day.
1. Unicycle users
Hang up your bright-red nose and oversized shoes as unicycles are being pushed into the mean streets of Toronto. Professor of Clowning at Toronto Metropolitan University, Garbanzo the Goofball, blames himself for the recent developments in Ford’s plan.
“I’m not surprised this new legislation is so anti-clown,” he said. “I was the clown at the premier’s 10th birthday party, apparently the little guy was so scared he had nightmares for weeks. He still holds that against me to this day.”
2. Penny-farthing perfectionists
The once joyous sight of stovepipe hats speeding down Yonge Street is being stripped away as penny-farthing owners can no longer safely ride downtown.
“It is simply unfathomable to me that a respectable gentleman’s transport is getting the boot,” said Duke Clarence Butterfield, “How shall I make it back to the missus in time for tea and crumpets with my vehicle replaced like the good Queen?”
3. Ostrich optimists
Zoologist Dacey “Danger” Hawk is one of many ostrich owners who make up the “Big Birds for Bike Lanes” movement that has taken exotic animal enthusiasts by storm. On Monday, Hawk and her crew saddled up to protest at a rally outside the premier’s office
“It’s time we start speaking up and ruffling some feathers,” she declared before leaping on the back of an ostrich and taking off into the 5 p.m. sunset.
4. Go-Kart go-getters
Greektown Gladiators, a local go-karting team, is outraged by this new change. A community staple, the track’s business has stayed strong thanks to their model of “give anyone a kart and let ‘em rip.” In a company statement, they reiterated their firm stance that everyone should be allowed to ride, especially in bike lanes.
“We are disheartened to hear the news that Ford plans to shut down bike lanes,” said spokesperson Mario K. Art. “To combat this, we are offering 50 per cent off go-kart lessons to anyone who brings in a wheel of his cabinet members until this plan is reversed.”
5. Heely historians
Avid heely user, Lil’ Timmy, is under temper tantrum watch after his only safe wheeling space is being taken away from him. With his mother’s permission and the bribery of a juice box and cookie, he confessed he doesn’t know why “the principal of Ontario is bullying him.”
“My mom said that Mr. Doug doesn’t know any better. I think if he took a spin in my sick kicks, he’d change his mind STAT!”
This proposed ban impacts everyone. From animal lovers to classmates of Lil’ Timmy, Torontonians need to stay alert when on the road.
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