By Peyton Andino
Disclaimer: Like Bigfoot, the contents of this satirical story are not real. (Unless, that’s what they want you to believe…)
Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) students leaving class on Monday were shocked after several witnesses spotted the cryptid known as Bigfoot “serving lewks” on the Kerr Hall Quad.
At 3 p.m., a large crowd of students gathered around the Quad as a supposed large-footed sasquatch wandered aimlessly among the forested area of TMU’s sole clean-air space.
“My pants were thoroughly soiled, my Balzac’s dropped and my day was ruined”
However, the hysteria was quickly dispelled once campus security appeared on the scene with a big net and confirmed that the creature was, in fact, a student in a thrifted grey faux mink coat.
“My pants were thoroughly soiled, my Balzac’s dropped and my day was ruined,” said second-year mechatronic engineering student Brandon Penafiel-Velez, who was present on the scene when the sighting occurred.
Penafiel-Velez was one of many students and TMU-based social media accounts to flood the Internet with various TikToks and memes about the viral incident.
Posts such as “Bigfoot will be real in 10 seconds,” “Oomf sent me a picture of Bigfoot on campus, can’t have anything at TMU” and “Why Bigfoot kinda…” circulated X, formerly known as Twitter, following the event.
Student Life TMU uploaded a reel where assorted first-year journalism students interviewed people on the eighth floor of the SLC on whether or not they believe bigfoot truly exists.
Instagram account @tmemeu_ even joined in on the fun and posted a sped-up video of Toronto Mayor Olivia Chow dancing with the caption “Me when Bigfoot.”
“Oomf sent me a picture of Bigfoot on campus, can’t have anything at TMU”
As of this morning, an Instagram account going by @hearts4lachemi slid into The Eyeopener’s direct messages (DMs) claiming to be the fabled Bigfoot impersonator.
Bigfoot—a.k.a. first-year philosophy student Sash Scotch—is an Instagram fashion micro-influencer with over 3,000 followers who is known for their Canva editing skills.
Scotch insisted that the outfit itself was meant to start a conversation.
“Why Bigfoot kinda…”
“So often in society, we find ourselves blending into the sea of sameness that is perpetuated by the fashion industry,” they said. “I decided to take it upon myself to show others that it is possible to set yourself apart using an entire outfit of statement pieces.”
Scotch’s entire “lewk” consisted of Great Wolf Lodge black Timbs, a bushy stache, the aforementioned mink coat and the sheer Canadian audacity to frolic in -30-degree weather.
TMU President and Vice-Chancellor Mohamed Lachemi took to social media warning students to keep the fashion, style and boundary-pushing to a “safe minimum.”
“Please refrain from making extravagant yet dangerous fashion choices,” said Lachemi who was wearing winter clothes taken directly from a GAP mannequin.
“Please refrain from making extravagant yet dangerous fashion choices”
“TMU Archives ain’t gonna notice your fit. For the safety of yourself and fellow students, please refrain from wearing outfits that may cause you to be mistaken for cryptids,” he said.
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