ClassifEYEds

February 11, 2025

By Calan Pittis

Disclaimer: This is all fake (duh).

HIRING: FEDERAL PARTY LEADER

Must have at least two years of federal policy experience. Ethics are an asset but not essential. Summers off, lots of benefits. Great chance to learn new skills in a respectful and supportive environment. Can’t be worse than the last guy. Contact assistance@liberal.ca or call 613-235-7208

OFFICE CHAIR FOR SALE

Gently used office chair. Must sell fast, need cash after dropping out. Ignore university branding. $50 or best offer. Cops and English professors will be ignored.

DOWNTOWN APT. FOR RENT

0 Bed, 1 Bath, shared kitchen and living room. Located inside the Eaton Centre McDonalds. Quick access to transit, hospitals and universities. No pets, no smoking. Utilities and Wi-Fi included. Wendy’s employees need not apply. $780/monthly.

MISSING OFFICE CHAIR

A chair was taken from my office in the Podium building. If you find a gently used office chair with TMU branding, please return it to the English department office in Jorgenson Hall.

DIPLOMA FOR SALE

Pre-owned advanced mathematics degree. Paid $18k. Great condition, never used. Perfect for impressing relatives or for covering that weird stain on the wall. $80 or best offer.

CRYPTO FINANCIAL SERVICES

I have extensive Reddit experience with Bitcoin, NFTs and other cryptocurrencies. You can have fun staying poor, I can help you build a portfolio and get started MAKING BANK! $300/hour, must pay in CASH ONLY!

SEEKING SECOND-HAND ORGANS

Looking for gently used organs for a med school project. I’m looking for three lungs, a kidney and as many pancreases as I can find. Willing to pay cash, no questions asked. Contact me at victorf@torontomu.ca