By Edward Lander and Daniel Opasinis

Disclaimer: While this story is filled with the spirit of the holidays, it’s about as real as Santa Claus himself. Are you…just finding that out? Oh, well forget I said anything. 

Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) is constructing a new 21-storey toy workshop at 100 Bond St., the school announced today at a press conference alongside Santa Claus.

The workshop is projected to open in 2030 and will create approximately 1,370 jobs for elves on campus.

The building—dubbed the “Bond Street Toy Factory”—is being constructed in partnership with the North Pole with $83 million in funding from wealthy arctic philanthropist Frosty T. Snowman.

According to a press release from the university, the building will be made of ice, slush and those frozen maple syrup sticks you get at the fair.

Winky Pointy-Ears, president of the Elvish Labour Federation (ELF) Local 1225 said his members were glad to hear the news given tumultuous trade relations between Canada and the U.S. leading to uncertainty in the toy industry.

“Ever since Amazon and cheap crap from TikTok shop became the go-to thing for a lot of parents lacking in holiday cheer, elves’ jobs have been on the line,” said Pointy-Ears. “Never in my 600 years have I seen so many young, unemployed elves disillusioned with the hiring process. I am very pleased TMU values our labour and wants to invest.”

The construction is set to enforce road closures around the university. Bond, Gould, Yonge and Dundas streets will be closed for the season, leaving the Victoria building only accessible by reindeer-drawn sleigh. 

Krampus president Lohamed Machemi said he’s excited for the changes to come to campus.

“TMU is happy to have these merry creatures on campus,” he said. “They’ll be held up in Pitman Hall as we plan on switching the dining hall menu to fruit cake and snow berries for every meal.”

Not everyone is taking to the change kindly. Fourth-year aerospace engineering student Ru Dolf said the timing couldn’t be worse. 

“Every time this chud school decides to build something, they take forever,” she said. “I was really looking forward to a post-graduation position at a factory just like this! But no, off I go to Lockheed Martin like everyone else.” 

In addition to Santa Claus’ toys, the partnership will see the production of various campus materials. 

“Half-ply toilet paper for the bathrooms, ill-fitting lecture hall seats, those styrofoam mats we make kids sleep on in the residences, all made right here on campus,” Machemi said. “Maybe we’ll let them print that raggy newspaper there too! What are they called? The Eyeballer? The Ear something?”

International Elf from the North Pole, Loopy Von Twinklesworth, said they’ve already started seeing job offers. 

“The contract is a little concerning, it was written in red and white crayon—the latter just barely legible,” he said. “Apparently, we’re being paid in jingle bells? Yeah, the fucking bells on the hats, that cannot be allowed.”