By Ella Miller

Disclaimer: The Eyeopener does not condone speeding, especially in school zones. The opinions presented by Santa in this article are his own – call us Tim Allen the way we’d whack that jolly old elf if we ever caught him. 

Santa Claus has announced his Nice List for this coming holiday season and amidst children who should have stopped biting their classmates earlier, one other big, red fat man is quite happy. 

Ontario Premier Doug Ford finds himself at the top of the Nice List for the first time since…jeez… ever? 

“I usually wake up and find my sock full of lumps of coal,” said Ford following the announcement. “Now I don’t mind that. If it were up to me Ontario would still be coal-powered–as long as that coal came from the Ring of Fire, amirite guys?”  

In a press conference held from his vacation home in sunny Iqaluit, Nunavut, Santa Claus a.k.a Kris Kringle a.k.a. the guy who didn’t bring me a LEGO Friends Heartlake Shopping Mall set, discussed his controversial decision. 

“I voted for Bonnie Crombie in the last election, red is my colour after all,” said Claus. “But I had to applaud Doug for his stance on speed cameras somehow.” 

Following mounting public pressure and a string of vandalism, Ford mandated that all speed cameras across Ontario were to be shut off. Critics of this move include pedestrian rights groups and SickKids hospital, who argued that the cameras saved the lives of many children, by encouraging speeders to slow down. 

“Listen, nobody loves kids more than me,” wrote Claus in a gingerbread-scented letter to a concerned child. “But if you want that Beast Labs slime under your tree Christmas morning, you’re going to have to look both ways before you cross the street 25 to 30 times from now on.” 

Head of Strategic Planning at Claus’ North Pole workshop, Jingles the Elf, shared that the data supports Claus’ hardline stance on the speed cameras. 

“We have hundreds of years of sleigh data logged and I’m telling you that over two billion gifts across six continents do not get delivered by sticking to a lackadaisical 40 in school zones,” said Jingles. “We are clocking five million kilometres per hour, minimum.” 

Jingles emphasized that the only alternative to avoiding the speed cameras would be to switch to travel in the upper atmosphere, though reindeer welfare advocates worry about the possible consequences. 

“They lose their natural animal instincts up there due to the lack of oxygen,” said People for the Ethical Treatment of Reindeer (PETR) spokeself, Candy Cane. “Last time the Claus apparatus attempted space travel with the deer they crashed into a satellite which took out television for the whole of Turkey.” 

Even though Ontario has issued a ban on speed cameras, they are still permitted across other Canadian provinces and internationally. Claus takes issue with this. 

“I’ve had my license revoked in Chile, Nigeria, Poland, Australia and New Zealand,” said Claus. “The Russian police don’t pull you over, they just shoot. It hasn’t been the same without Donner…” 

“If I get any more demerit points, Mrs. Claus will have to pilot the sleigh and nobody wants that,” continued Claus. “Not because she’s a woman; she’s a terrible driver completely independent of her gender.” 

Claus has also announced his intention to spread his message via a charity single in the vein of Band Aid or Ladbaby. His single is available for sale on iTunes with all proceeds going to his anti-speed camera charity, Claus For A Cause.