By Edward Lander

Disclaimer: Unlike the girl with the crunchy cough who sits next to you in your English lecture, this story is not real.

A group of students who attended an engineering lab on Friday are up in arms and under the weather after one of their classmates reportedly came to class with 14th-century disease, the Bubonic Plague.

Godric Westerthorpe, a third-year computer engineering student, allegedly spread the medieval disease to several of his peers and his professor.

According to his classmates, when it came to symptoms Westerthorpe had the whole kit and caboodle. Fever, sweating, limbs turning blue and a severe cough with which he spewed disgusting germs throughout the lecture hall.

Judy Li is one of the students concerned over Westerthorpe’s attendance. She said she caught the disease and now fears she’s nearing death.

“That guy was literally so inconsiderate because he came to class that day now I’m going to die, which is going to throw a wrench in my whole semester,” she said.

Li says that despite his condition, Westherthorpe continued with the class material and even put up his hand to answer questions.

“He raised his hand to say something but when he started speaking he vomited green puke all over the desk,” she said. “And when he lowered his arm it fell off which made a huge scene.” 

When The Eyeopener got in contact with the student, he argued that he had no choice but to attend that day due to an in-class assignment.

“I did what I had to do,” he said. “And that included spreading the plague-ridden lice crawling all over me onto my classmates so they may feast on their unsuspecting bodies.”

“You would have done the same thing,” added Westerthorpe.

A spokesperson for the university told The Eye that students should never consider it necessary to complete assignments if illness prevents it.

“We take the health of all students very seriously. If a student believes they’re going to miss an assignment due to illness, they simply need to predict this several weeks in advance and file an accommodation,” they wrote.

One student came to the defence of Westerthorpe, saying attending the lecture is his right as a student.

“If you don’t want to get the plague and die while you attend your class then just don’t show up,” he said. “That’s not his problem.”

When asked how he got the disease in the first place—which is transferred to humans through rodents and fleas— Westerthorpe said this.

“I spent the weekend at a petting zoo for mice and rats and I just went crazy. Those darn things are so cute,” he said.

“Also I don’t do vaccines and I’ve had COVID eight times,” he added.

We reached out to the class’ professor for comment, but she has since died of unrelated causes. She was, like, super old, students say.