By Isha Rizwan
Disclaimer: While most things posted to Reddit are probably made up for
attention, this interaction actually is, so don’t think about it too hard.
This interaction was originally posted on r/TorontoMetU, if you don’t know what that is you should try chudding it up.
Q: I need some advice. I am a new student at Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) and I believe I have just made the largest mistake one can make in their postsecondary academic career. I was out late on Friday night, dressed as a banana and trying to combine every kind of substance in my stomach without resulting in a medical emergency, just trying to get the full university experience I had grown up seeing in movies. As a result of my excessive consumption, I ended up sleeping through the entirety of Saturday, Sunday and the majority of Monday only to awake at 3:42 p.m., having just narrowly missed my 8 a.m. class. Not only is this the first class I have EVER missed in my life, I believe this singular action will set off a chain of events that will result in me becoming someone on TikTok who begs for roses and bounces up and down for $0.17 donations. Is my life over?
A: As someone who has been doing this for years now, I will give you one piece of advice: you are doomed. Your worst fears aren’t even the tip of the proverbial iceberg. And as someone who doesn’t know what proverbial means, you need to trust what I’m about to say. It starts with missing the first class, then the second, then the third, then you’re smoking a little pot here and there because you like how it makes you feel, then it’s cocaine and then you blink and you’re a backup dancer for an Imagine Dragons cover band that tours small towns in Saskatchewan and every night you look at pictures of AI puppies on Google Giggles just to feel something. You stare at the stars at night, thinking about where it all went wrong and you pinpoint it back to one singular moment…the sweet shot of dopamine you got from skipping that first class. So my advice, next time you want to miss class, do what any sane person would, call the building your class is in and report a gas leak. I hope this helps xx.
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