Disclaimer: Even though these crimes may not have truly occurred, it’s fun to imagine that they did. 

The following are crimes that actually occurred on campus in the past week. 

ROCK WENT BYE BABY

On Monday, in news that has rocked the entire Toronto Metropolitan Univeristy (TMU) community, somebody stole one of the giant rocks by Lake Devo. TMU Security is unsure how the rock was taken with no trace. All those interrogated as suspects remained stone-faced. 

GARBAGE GRABBER

On Thursday, an unknown culprit was seen stealing the foul-stenched garbage straight from the bins on Gould street. The suspect was seen entering the bins, picking out garbage and then eating it frantically. A description of the suspect is as follows: approximately two feet tall, wearing a gray fur coat, black eye mask and a striped tail. 

BEACH BREACH

On Tuesday, on the ‘beach’ floor of the Student Learning Centre, several thugs vandalized the impossible-to-work-on chairs with drawings of male sexual organs and circles with smaller circles at their center, presenting as breasts. 

CAMPUS SCORE

Last Friday, the campus store was raided and ransacked. Though typical thieves may have gone for the cash, the only thing stolen were 55 large dry erase calendars.

FRANKIE PANKY

Last Tuesday, Frankie B. Bold was seen on Gould street in full Victoria’s Secret laced lingerie flocking up and down and squawking loudly about how good it felt to feel the lace on their feathers. While looking rather egg-sceptional, the bird was then seen engaging in a public group cloacal kiss (bird orgy) with local pigeons around the entrance to the library. 

BYEOPENER

Last Monday, several copies of The Eyeopener were found taped to security cameras while being used to hide the identities of criminals who stole candy from the Student Community Centre vending machines. No Famous Amos cookies were harmed.