By Merida Moffat
Take a look into the classic deck of high school classmates you’ll find when swiping listlessly on Tinder one night:
The “Hey Shawty”
Bio:
Just a guy in the 6ix 💯
Economics student 💸
Might go down as G-O-D. 🔥
Loyalty over everything 🛐
The classic Drake-loving business student that you’ve seen way too often at Ryerson—but their antics had to start somewhere, and high school was that place. He’d always ask you if you had any spare JUUL pods and walked around playing his SoundCloud remixes from a speaker. You know that if you swipe right, he’ll say: “I know a spot,” and take you to a hookah lounge or Warehouse.
The “Looking for a third”
Bio:
Hi, we’re Josh and Emily 😘
Looking for a freaky third to have some fun with, swipe right 😉
Ah, that one couple who made out in the hallway right by your locker every day. Their first photo is inevitably a mirror pic of them being “cutesy” and the next is them at a Jays’ game. You’re not surprised they’re on Tinder annoying everyone while looking for a third. They’re not unattractive, but you don’t want to get involved in that mess—they “broke up” seven times just in high school. You need relationship stability.
The country bumpkin
Bio:
All I need is my truck & my Lord. ✝️
Trump 2022 & freedom 4eva 💙
Swipe left if you’re vaccinated. ❌
Sick of these Instagram hoes, swipe right if you are an honest Christian girl. 💋
Here’s one you were absolutely dreading seeing: that guy who drove a truck and wore a cowboy hat and hockey T-shirt to school every day, even in a snowstorm. Much of his personality revolved around his one “sick” scar on his calf that he absolutely insists he got in a dirt biking accident. A wonderful combo of misogyny and racism mixed with some lovely Axe body spray. This one’s a definite pass.
The one you matched with as a joke
(No bio)
This is the person who was sort of friends with one of your friends, who your other friend did a group project with. Sound familiar? They’re not unattractive or a bad person…you just think it would be so awkward if you matched. Do you really want to hear about what they’ve been up to since high school? But you’re so tempted to swipe right just to see if they swiped right on you. You end up doing it, and they open with a “hey”—you roll your eyes and move on.
The high school crush
Bio:
English major. I have a really cute dog!
Send me your favourite meme and I’ll rate it! 🙂
This is the one who sent your heart into a little flutter when you saw their profile. Yes, they’re really cute—and of course, so is their dog. It makes you think of the one time you swooned when they laughed at your joke in class. And it wasn’t even that funny! Is it some sort of sign that they just showed up on your Tinder? Are your affirmations to attract love working? This is one of the people whose profile you hover over while you decide if you should go for it or not. Might as well try…
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