By Writer at The Eyeopener
Students panicked and ran like petrified elephants (well, more like petrified humans, if truth be told—elephants are bigger and run on four legs, while humans only run on two, except for Traci Lords in that Puppy Love flick—say, did you know that she was a CD out? Boy!) as a four-alarm fire raged through the hallowed corridors of Kerr Hall early Monday morning.
While some students maintained that the fire was set by RSU president Mike D’Ayglo using his hair clippings to ignite the blaze, security says different. Security Czar Carin’ Queequeg says that the Towering Inferno (the fire, not the Arthur Halley movie—say, did you know that OJ was in that movie? Boy!) was caused by union workers spraying sparks on piles of old Paul Cheevers campaign posters. Rumours say Cheevers is saving the posters for resale as memorabilia at next year’s Island Picnic, now under the working title “Cheeverpalooza ’95′” (this is no relation to Lollapalooza ’95, rumoured to feature Slik Toxik, Lee Aaron, Dee Snyder (The Artist Formerly Known As Twisted Sister), Kish, Larry Gowan and The Dave Matthews Band—say, did you know that NINE INCH NAILS played at the first Lollapalooza? Boy!). Due to fire damage, the posters now read CHEEVERS HEIVES and are considered worthless. A maniacally-laughing John Paris-Philips bought them all for five bucks.
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