By Mike Onesi
Those guys in the Canadian military really know how to have a good time. Don’t you love the way they rub excrement and pee all over each other? And even better, they videotape it all. That way, weeks later, they can all sit around the living room and laugh. (“Hey, Chuck! Look, this is the part where I piss all over your head! HA! HA! HA!”)
Well the boys at CBC programming love those videos as well. The ratings for The Journal and The National go through the roof every time one of these urine-filled videos grace the nightly broadcast. The CBC can smell a hit (or shit—pun intended) when they see one.
So I am pleased to announce that starting next Friday, following Rita MacNeil and Friends, is the debut episode of The Canadian Military’s Funniest Home Videos—the most hilarious show to hit the air since COPS.
And for a host, the CBC won’t be using the lame, unfunny, American Bob Saget. They’re opting for the lame, unfunny Canadian Ralph Benmergui instead.
And the show has the full support of cash-strapped Canadian generals. “Our previous venture into the entertainment field flopped,” says one general who did not want his name used. “The last television movie, Grunt Golden Shower Blanket Bingo, was not the hit we thought it would be.”
Sony Camcorders are now standard issue for new recruits. Along with the regular courses like military strategy and long-range precision shooting, soldiers in training will take new courses like “How to White Balance” and “How to Take Off the Lens Cap.”
Here are some highlights from the first show:
- Old footage of retired Maj-Gen. Lewis MacKenzie driving a tank while wearing no pants. He is seen screaming several questionable orders such as “Somebody fire MY big cannon!” and “Screw backing up the primary assault team with a flanking attack. I got a Big Mac attack. Let’s turn this baby around and head for the drive-through.”
- Some bored privates playing a game of “What can you fit in your mouth?” Some successful items include a gerbil, 300 pennies, a copy of The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoyevsky, an old toupee worn by Burn Reynolds and a tube of Preparation H.
- The “Drop the Soap” contest
- Mess Hall hijinks! Like privates unknowingly being served “vomit omletes.”
Let’s hope this show won’t create any confusion with the viewers of Royal Canadian Air Farce.
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