By Adriana Canale-Parola
Disclaimer: For entertainment purposes only – do not blame the stars for your procrastination.
Curious as to what is in store for you this reading week? Look no further than this horoscope written by The Eyeopener’s resident zodiac expert.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Aries, SURPRISE: this is not your week. With Mercury entering your eighth house on Oct. 13, you might want to keep a fire extinguisher in hand—your temper might ignite faster than your aunt’s Thanksgiving turkey!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’ll spend the entire week soaking in bubble baths, calling it “self-care” while ignoring those D2L Brightspace notifications that are starting to take over your phone. By day five, you’ll have pruney fingers and zero regrets. Remember: lavender fixes everything!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Okay, social butterfly! This week will be all about putting your books down and raising glasses high. Accepting every invite thrown at you, you’ll find yourself at three parties in one night and telling yourself, “It’s just networking, I swear!”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Cancer, the stars see you coming out of your (crab) shell this week and finally having the courage to spark something with your campus crush. Whether it turns into something serious, a cheeky fling or a heart-wrenching rejection, you can always say you were just shellf-discovering. #rejectiontherapy?
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
I’m going to hold your hand when I say this: PUT. THE. HAIR. DYE. DOWN. I promise the Earth will continue to turn even when you don’t make drastic changes to your appearance. Or will it?
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Virgo, you planned your reading week two months ago when you booked that all-inclusive vacation. Your assignments are done, your suitcase is packed and your SPF is slathered on. The cosmos senses a lot of frozen margs in your future.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Somehow between the TikTok doom-scrolling and the Gilmore Girls marathon, all the days will blur together! Who knew? Just don’t forget to remind yourself to drink water and get some sunlight (you might just be a houseplant).
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Scorpio, you artistic genius! With the full moon on Oct. 17, your self-expression and creative drive are off the charts. Try picking up writing but if your feelings start plotting a revenge thriller, keep it on the page!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Whether it’s thrifting for hours or a good online shopping spree, I think it’s safe to say that retail therapy will be your main form of procrastination this week. But, hey, anything for the cheap dopamine hit, am I right?
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Capricorn, during this reading week, nothing will sound better to you than a 27-item to-do list BUT SLOW DOWN! I promise you’ll still manage to out-achieve everyone even if you eat a proper lunch and take a three-hour nap.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Has brat summer turned into brat autumn? Aquarius, this week you’re going to be bringing those “Club classics” to the family dinner table. It’s time to make a “360“, bleach your eyebrows or get a new piercing. It’s what Charli xcx would want but maybe not your grandmother.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Pisces, your emotions will flow like a rom-com on repeat. But in this sea of emotions, a bigger wave will hit you—laundry! Crying over fictional characters in your favourite show won’t get the chores done so get cleaning!
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