By Edward Lander

Disclaimer: While we cannot confirm whether there really is a creature lurking at the bottom of Lake Devo, we can confirm that there are a bunch of discarded cigarette butts and Tim Hortons napkins in there

Lake Devo is back on the minds of students this Frosh week and not just because they can’t ignore its smell. But rather because the beloved Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) water feature has a 12-foot-tall swamp monster living in it.

That’s right—Devonian Pond’s sanitary situation has become so dire that a supernatural beast of Southern folklore has made its home under the murky surface.

“Something reeked and it wasn’t the Student Campus Centre bathrooms,” said third-year nursing student Sam Nguyen. “Then when I saw 11½ feet of swamp monster sticking out of the water, I knew something must have been up.”

Students have been complaining about the dilapidated state of this campus water feature since its creation in 1978 when a meteorite crashed into Gould Street and the university just left the hole there.

Now with word of a potential bog beast living in it, we knew action needed to be taken.

To get to the very shallow bottom of this mystery, The Eyeopener put all of our resources towards locating the creature and uncovering its motives.

“Something reeked and it wasn’t the Student Campus Centre bathrooms”

However, we quickly discovered we could have used just some of our resources because a staff member found the monster on Hinge within the hour.

“I know the best spot in town for: Green algae, mosquito larvae and abducting an unsuspecting passerby into my aquatic nest,” read the monster’s profile.

The monster told us he’s been using the app to search for a mate to accompany him in the “lake,” but has found the dating scene to be much more complicated than it was in his prime—70 million years ago.

“The world of folkloric amphibian romance is not an easy one,” he said. “I got ghosted by a catfish and catfished by a ghost—all in the same month.”

The creature claims there’s more to him than meets the eye and his dates just aren’t seeing this.

“There’s a lot going on beneath the surface,” he said. “No matter how murky and oil-slicked that surface is.”

Some on campus have expressed compassion for the monster over this matter, claiming that rather than fear him, they empathize with his problems.

“While I may not be 12 feet tall, I am eight feet tall. And sometimes it feels like us tall guys can’t catch a break,” said TMU president and vice-chancellor Mohamed Lachemi.  

“He’s on the apps? I’m on the apps. It’s tough out there—I get it,” said fourth-year journalism student Edward Lander.

To get deeper into the swamp monster issue, The Eye got in touch with TMU professor Swanson Monsetter, a specialist who studies species that inhabit swamps.

Monsetter told us that swamp monsters don’t exist. We showed him pictures of the monster, to which he responded “those images have been doctored.”

“I would know, I’m a doctor,” he continued. “Dr. Swanson Monsetter—and that’s no swamp monster.”

We also reached out to the university for comment, asking how they could allow Lake Devo to deteriorate into this state.

“We had planned to deal with the thing a couple years back—but then, like, COVID happened and all that…it was hard for everyone. You get it,” read an emailed statement.

“He’s on the apps? I’m on the apps”

When asked if they were aware of the monster’s existence, the university told us they’ve known about it for some time.

“We are deeply invested in the wellbeing of all those who call our campus home,” the spokesperson wrote. 

“We offered S. Monster a double room in Pitman Hall but he chose to decline our offer.”

We asked the monster why he’d decline free accommodations—he had this to say: 

“If I wanted to live in a smelly, garbage-filled hole with toilet water up to my ankles, I’d stay right where I am.”