Last celebrity standing: Round One, part two

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By Steve Carmichael

BRUCE LEE vs. RITA MACNEIL

Bruce and Rita were dragged from their cages and thrown into the ring. Bruce looked long and hard at the vision that stood before him. Always the fighter, he prepared himself for battle. Rita was swatting at the mosquitos buzzing around her head and noticed Bruce’s cold eyes staring at her. She became nervous and shaky.

Bruce leaped into the air at lightning speed and started to drill her with a series of rapid punches to the belly. But her gelatinous form absorbed the impact of the blows, which would normally break 12-centimetres-thick bricks.

“Why are you doing that?” Rita asked. “How about we sing a song instead?”

The masked enforcers outside of the ring were prepared for Rita’s peace-loving nature. They dipped their spears into a serum that escalates a person’s level of aggression and jabbed Rita repeatedly. After several pokes, the serum kicked in.

Bruce panicked and have her a desperate kick to the neck. However this did not faze Rita. She just grunted and threw herself at Bruce. Bruce moved out of the way and Rita fell through the ring floor. Bruce began to feed her a series of quick kicks to the face, until she bit off his foot. Bruce screamed, “That’s my favourite kicking foot!” Rita picked up the ring and threw it aside. A voice from the audience cried out, “HEY! THAT’S THE ONLY RING WE HAVE! YOU’RE LIABLE FOR ANY DAMAGES!” Rita was oblivious to the threat as she began thrashing Bruce against the ground. The match was over as quickly as it began after she jumped on him and crushed him to a pulp.

 

GARTH BROOKS vs. DAVID HASSELHOFF

Garth was thrown into a dark room. He cried out, “Who am I going to fight?” A row of torches burst into flames and Garth saw David standing waist-deep in a pool of water wearing scuba gear.

“I’m supposed to fight Mr. Baywatch? This guy’s a goober!”

David yelled back, “Shows what you know, country boy. I’m good-looking, I’m really popular in Germany and I sold my sold to the devil in return for overseas success and an almost-believable tan.”

Hasselhoff jumped out of the water, grabbed his oxygen tank and rammed it into Garth’s gut. Garth went down on the deck with a thud. The voice from the audience said, “INSTRUMENTS!” A piano fell from the ceiling.

Garth ran to the piano and rammed it into David. He pushed himself, David and the piano into the pool. The piano pinned David’s foot.

Just then a black jet ski flew into the pool. “I’ve come to save you, Michael,” the jet-ski said.

“Is that you, KITT?” David asked.

“Yes Michael, Baywatch brought me from Knight Rider and converted me into a jet ski in an effort to persuade you to stay on the show. I’m here to bring you home.”

KITT pulled his old friend free and the two of them made a final charge at Garth, who ducked underwater. Like a shark, KITT started to circle the area where Garth went under.

Garth reached up and disconnected the fuel line from KITT’s tank. KITT slowly gurgled to a halt.

While David tried to revive KITT, Garth jumped out of the pool, grabbed a torch and threw it at the leaking fuel tank. This killed David and blew up the remodeled KITT along with all the poverty-stricken European children’s chances to meet the former Baywatch star.

 

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