Last celebrity standing: Round One

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Just a few weeks ago a group of celebrities disappeared from Hollywood. They had all been captured and taken away to an unknown island in the middle of the Pacific ocean where they were kept in cages, poked and fed mouldy bread until they were forced to fight in a tournament. The winner shall save the world from a horrible fate.

 

TORI SPELLING vs. SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR

Tori looked ragges, her clothes were torn and she looked thinner than usual. Sarah looked like she was pulling through well.

When the girls were first thrown into the ring they sparked up a conversation about what was happening. Suddenly a big booming voice came out of nowhere and told them to “FIGHT!” A group of masked men with sharp metal pokers surrounded the ring in case one of them tried to escape.

Tori yelled at the pokers, “Lease me alone, where’s my dad?” Tori started to throw a tantrum and threw a punch, smashing into Sarah’s cheek. Tori quickly followed by grabbing Sarah’s hair and have her a kick to the ribs. Sarah was in pain but shook it off and yelled, “You spoiled little bitch, you’re goin’ down!” Sarah quickly bounced up and kicked Tori’s shin, then punched her in the stomach. Tori wobbles around gasping for air and said, “Screw you, Sarah!”

The loud booming voice announced “WEAPONS!” and two sticks were thrown into the ring. Sarah lunged at Tori with the staff. However, Tori grabbed the staff in mid swing and jabbed it in Sarah’s ribs. Tori quickly ripped Sarah’s staff from her hands and started playing a Singapore-style drum solo on her ass, beating Sarah with both staffs. Sarah was desperate. But in her hour of need, Sarah’s stunt double from Buffy leaped into the ring with a series of backflips. The stunt double came down and landed a severe drop kick right into Tori’s chest.

“Hey, is she allowed to have someone help her fight?” Tori asked.

“YOU CAN USE ANY OF THE SKILLS THAT ARE PART OF ANY OF THE CHARACTERS YOU PLAY,” the voice replied. “SO SHUT YOUR ASS, ANYTHING GOES HERE.”

Sarah joined in the charge with the Buffy0double against Tori.

Sarah said, “Where’s your daddy now?” as she speared her down. To finish the match, Sarah picked up Tori and smashed her down on her thigh, breaking her into two.

 

ICE-T vs. JERRY SPRINGER

The second fight of the day was between one Ice-T and one Jerry Springer. Ice-T was in an extremely bitter mod. He didn’t really appreciate being kidnapped to this island, tortured, poked and fed that mouldy bread mentioned earlier.

When both men were placed in the ring, Ice-T charged at Jerry with full force, mumbling, “My bitch makes me watch your fuckin’ shit every night…”

Jerry’s keen talk-show sense quickly interpreted the situation and realize that he would have to play his cards right. Jerry instantly stepped back and Ice-T went running into the side of the ring. “Hey hey, watch your step buddy,” Jerry said sarcastically.

Out of nowhere the booming voice yelled “FIGHT YOU BITCHES!”

Ice-T reached into his trousers and pulled out a butterfly knife and started swinging it in Jerry’s direction. Jerry jumped to avoid the knife and kicked Ice-T in the face. Ice-T fell back and dropped the knife, which Jerry picked up and tossed off the stage.

Ice-T managed to grab Jerry and started punching him in the neck. Jerry fell to his knees as a result of the pummeling. So Ice-T threw himself on Jerry and started biting him. The only defence Jerry had was to pinch him back.

They heard the booming voice: “WHAT THE FUCK… BITING? PINCHING? YOU TWO ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HARDCORE! WEAPONS, NOW!” A variety of weapons began to drop into the centre of the ring.

Jerry reached into the pile and pulled out a jar of bees. He shrugged, twisted the top off and said, “Go get ‘im, boys!” But the bees flew back into Jerry’s face and stung him instead. Ice-T reached into the pile and pulled out a sub-machine gun. The match ended with Ice-T turning Jerry’s remains into a basketball.

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