Briefs & Groaners

In News /

A roundup of some of the shadier — and just plain weird — things that happen around Ryerson’s downtown campus.

Multiple small fires were found on the 10th floor of Pitman Hall. According to security, lots of toilet paper had been spread around and set alight, damaging the carpet. Those little Kleenex puppies must be distraught.

A student was found lying between two parked cars near the architecture building. Security responded to see if he was dead. Turns out he was just really drunk and had tried to cross the road, but had given up. What a quitter.

Two people were found in the middle of ‘sexual activity’ in a classroom in the RCC, according to security. The Eyeopener news team is very bitter about this, for reasons we’d rather not discuss.

Another two people were found in similar circumstances in an elevator lobby in the 350 Victoria St. parking garage. They weren’t too encouraged to stop even though people walked past and security approached them. The Eyeopener news team wishes not to comment.

Another two people were found engaging in the same ‘sexual activity’ in a stairwell of the Podium building. This leads The Eyeopener news team to think everyone in the world is having ‘sexual activity’ except them.

An iPhone was stolen in the GCM building when a student went to talk to her friends on the opposite side of a common area. The Eyeopener news team’s detective skills lead us to think that her friends are actually part of an elaborate distraction.

— Lee Richardson

Leave a Comment