By Annaliese Meyer
Can’t get that essay done? Don’t want to go to the nursing home and pick up grandma for a day at the Eaton Centre looking for visors and socks? Find it hard to wash out that mouldy spaghetti pot even though it makes your feel like you may actually be dead and currently feasted upon by kittens while your soul floats into some sort of limbo and conjures up a realm in which you are still young? You may be suffering from procrastination!
Symptoms may include being young, overall disillusionment, sexual frustration, current participation in a post-secondary humanities major and a low iron diet! This disease can lead you to many dark places, so look out for suddenly deciding to download the entire Justin Bieber discography, deciding to now of all times to begin watching Game of Thrones (it’s too late bruh) or suddenly and rapidly feng shui-ing everything in your apartment. That beanbag chair stays! Every guest who frequents your apartment can testify on behalf of that poor leaking lump.
Cures include building a time machine that enables you to travel to the future and live inside your thirty-year-old body which actually has real responsibilities, like feeding a baby or designing a new campaign strategy (that debate last night was a debacle). As a sufferer of procrastination, you could also try to isolate yourself from everything that brings you joy and comfort. Try moving your studying to a library, or the curb of your street or a park bench. However, since we live in Canada you might want to make sure for the latter options you’ve packed a down parka and some hot coco or you’ll probably die.
Still no results? If none of these super helpful tactics prevail, you may have to resign yourself to the fact that you are young and sexy in Canada and procrastination is the real deal. And when I mean “real” I mean a complete fabrication, invented so people could have more fun and feel super guilty about it.
Samwell Withersworth
Procrastinated writing this article… meta!