Photo: Devin Jones

Guide: How to cut your shit friends out of your life

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By Skyler Ash

Sometimes, people suck. And sometimes, those people are your friends. There comes a time in everyone’s life when you just have to cut people out. Grab those scissors and don’t hold back. Since it can be hard to let go of someone who you once held dear, here are a few tips on how to alienate your friends. (Please do not use actual scissors. That was just a saying. You know, like a joke? Forget it, just read the list).

1. Punctuate your texts.

The only people who properly punctuate their texts are self-described “intellectuals” and people who are trying to cut you out of their lives, which is why this tip was first on the list. Proper punctuation says, “We’re done. It was nice while it lasted,” without actually having to say any of that. A period at the end of a sentence in a text is basically a silent goodbye. Add a couple semicolons; nobody knows how to use them properly, but they look cool. BAM! Goodbye friendship, hello crying alone in your room at 2 a.m. with “Careless Whisper” playing quietly in the background.

2. The casual laugh-and-readjust.

This manoeuvre, when properly employed, causes maximum hurt feelings while doing the least amount of work. Here’s how it works: you see your “friend,” and before they see you, you grab the person closest to you and pretend to be laughing with wild, carefree abandon like you and your “friend” used to. When your “friend” looks over and sees you, look back at them and stop laughing for a second. Give them a real harsh up-and-down look, turn back to the random stranger you harassed and keep laughing. BAM! Goodbye comradery, hello sad, empty world in which I have nobody to turn to.

3. Leave a vague post on social media.

Post a quick picture of you out and about with your pals (soon-to-be-ex-friend not included, just like the batteries for that stupid lamp I just bought), and caption it with the phrase, “Out with my besties! Yep, just me and the people I love most! Loving life, and my very best friends! No acquaintances here! Just the people I really care about! Haha, #ILoveMyFriends! *dancing lady emoji*” BAM! Goodbye BFF, hello waking up at night in a cold sweat wondering when it all went wrong.

4. Buy a whole cake.

This last tip is actually not about how to lose your friend, it’s about how to make you feel better after you lost your friend because you sent grammatically correct texts, harassed a stranger and pretended to have better friends than the one you cut out of your life and used the dancing lady emoji on a public forum where everyone could see it. So, buy a whole damn cake just for you, sit on the floor of your room watching all the best episodes of Friends and remember that you come first, not that asshole who didn’t treat you right. Quite literally, have your cake and eat it, too.

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