Illustration: Izabella Balcerzak

RSU president says demonic possession to blame for anti-Semitic actions

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By Emerald Bensadoun

In a Ben Carson-esque turn of events, Obaid Ullah, Ryerson Students’ Union (RSU) president, released a press statement yesterday explaining that he remembered nothing from the events that occurred on Nov. 29.

After deliberately shutting down the proposed Holocaust Remembrance week initiative with a walk-out during the RSU’s Semi-Annual General Meeting, RSU executives revealed that an unearthly demonic possession was to blame for their anti-Semitic behavior.  

Jews responded in the only way Jews knew how: with humour.

“I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school,” said Adina Bloomberg, a member of Hillel. “I wish we could all bake a cake full of rainbows and smiles, and everyone would eat and be happy.”

“She doesn’t even go here,” quipped Ullah, later justifying his comment as the result of remnants of the demon “still in there.”

According to Ullah, the last thing he remembered was the motion being brought forward. After that he said, “It all goes black.” He added that he vaguely remembered hearing mumbled voices in an “angry-sounding” language right before the demon took hold of him.

“I mean honestly,” said Ullah.  “Who leaves a paper trail like that?”

While unconcerned about the ramifications of the demon’s actions on campus, RSU executives have announced that they will all be changing their Facebook passwords and privacy settings.

Ryerson campus police are on the hunt for a body-snatching demon, now presumably loose on campus. Rabbinical exorcists are on stand by.

If you notice your friends begin to act uncharacteristically anti-Semitic, or start committing hate crimes in the name of “stopping the Zionist agenda,” campus police recommend that you contact them immediately.

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