Briefs and Groaners: Phones are harder than they look

In Campus News, News /

By Annie Arnone

Every week, The Eyeopener meets with Ryerson security and gets the low-down on what’s been happening on campus. Here are some notable, and often unfortunate, entries.

Bro, have you even seen my pecs?

A male trespasser was barred and escorted off campus last week after hanging out on the SLC main floor showing off his shirtless bod. We assume he’d just been hitting the gym and wanted to show off his swole gains. 

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A little poop with a side of ciggy-roo

So some dude decided to light up a cigarette and smoke it in the Balzac’s bathroom the other day. I have a couple of questions: One, the bathroom is about six steps away from the doors leading to the outside world. Why did you feel the need to smoke inside when good-old nature was right across from you? Two: why you want to be inhaling things in a room that smells like poop?

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No, MY phone is bigger than yours

Two bros were found fighting in the library building and were described by security to be “yelling” and “throwing phones at each other.” I can’t imagine what that fight would have been about, but I swear to god if these two were throwing around some expensive-ass iPhone Xs, we’re going to sic our former tech columnist Igor Magun on them.

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A campus-wide search to find Narnia

Security received reports of an individual pulling on locked door handles all over campus last week.

Why do we assume this person was looking to steal things? Have you read the Chronicles of Naria? This person could very well have been looking for the passage to it—don’t judge a book by its cover, Ryerson. But also, lock your doors, this person could have been trying to steal some shit.

 

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