EIC chased by RSU exec, then poisoned

In Campus News, NewsLeave a Comment

Reading Time: 2 minutes

By The Entity

It was a beautiful chilly night when Eyeopener editor-in-chief Jacob Dubé died.

Ryerson security had gotten reports of a body, lying on Gould St. being eaten by rats, but did not know how it had gotten there.

It all began in January, when following the Ryerson Students’ Union credit card scandal, The Eye news team combusted. The stress of media requests and follow-up stories had aged them 100 years. The team—known collectively as “The Entity”—turned to a puff of dust.

Needing a new team to run the news section, Dubé created clones of the editors using their leftover particles.

Each looked the same, but something was off—Emma was no longer vegan. But The Eye’s masthead was well-oiled and no one would suspect that the only girl in a scarf, although several shades darker than Raneem, was not her, or that Sherina would ever have blue highlights.

On April 2, Dubé found on his desk a bag of juicy clementines. He was never one to turn down the orange fruit. Jacob reached to take one and as if on cue, music from This is the End began to play and Ram Ganesh appeared in the background, ready to swipe the tasty morsels. Jacob was trapped.

Photo: Celina Gallardo

He could deal with the loss of his news team, Doug Ford’s cuts and the slow decay of his beloved Eyeopener but not this, not losing clementines to Ram Ganesh of all people.

“Ram Ganesh is after me,” shouted Dubé while running and simultaneously trying to peel an orange with one hand.

He hit a dead end and was trapped by construction. Ganesh closed in, forcing the fruit down his throat. It was too sweet, it had been poisoned by the news clones. Straight-faced, Dubé clutched his floral tie. His bit was done, he was dead.

The light left Dubé’s eyes and glitter poured out of his eye sockets and ears as the Franco-Ontarien anthem played in the distance. Incoming Editor-in-Chief Sarah Krichel bent over to apply the shimmer to her cheekbones.

From atop Jorgenson Hall, photo editor Alanna Rizza unzipped her Lachemi suit and watched the events unfold. It had been four years and the campus had not found out her secret. On the roof, a single dead bee came to life.

Leave a Comment