By Alexandra Holyk
This is a satire piece from our Fun Issue, The Darkest Timeline. Life has become such a clusterfuck that it’s hard to tell the difference between reality and satire. While this is a made up story, it’s rooted in truth and research to provide social commentary. Have fun reading!
With the negative effects of the climate crisis finally being talked about now more than ever, it’s important that Ryerson students stay optimistic before the end of the Earth.
We’ve comprised a list of totally valid and 100 per cent effective ways to turn that anxiety-induced resting bitch-frown upside down.
1. Walk or bike to school, regardless of where you live
Last year, Mariah Skinney, a second-year environmental and urban sustainability student, took the GO Train from Oakville to get to Ryerson everyday. This year, she stopped using public transit altogether and walks to school.
Skinney said she feels “#blessed” waking up at 12 a.m. to get to her 8 a.m. lecture on time. Everyday can be leg day for Ryerson commuters, and students will have super jacked calves to show off.
2. Go buy a fancy and expensive planner made from recycled paper to organize your day
Even if you don’t have any upcoming plans, buy a planner. It’ll make you feel like you have your shit together when really, you’re just faking it till you make it. Use different coloured gel pens made from leftover vegetable oil from Salad King to organize your 30-minute study breaks for every 15 minutes of studying you do. Don’t forget to include the plans with friends that you’ll just end up cancelling anyway.
3. Take a nap to avoid all responsibilities
Catch some zzz’s before, after, in between or even in your classes. Napping costs the planet zero energy and just so happens to be the easiest way to save our planet (while sleeping, you’re not polluting!). Those 8 a.m. movie theatre lectures are meant to be slept through, so feel inclined to recline in those chairs-turned-beds while your algebra professor goes on a literal tangent.
4. Go vegan
Practically every restaurant has plant-based options, and they aren’t as bad as you think. Being vegan will also give you the chance to brag about your amazing life choices to your friends about the positive impact you have on the environment while making them feel bad for still eating meat. Don’t think of veganism as giving up the things you love, though. Vodka and tequila are vegan-friendly!
5. Get yourself a nice plant friend, or two—or seven
Plants are not only good for the environment and provide oxygen—they are also super aesthetic in any dorm room, especially in Pitman Hall. It’s recommended by experts that students invest in some greenery in their rooms because partying won’t save their livers, but plants will save their lungs.
6. Pet local dogs
Wherever you are on campus, it’s guaranteed that you will see one RyEng sticker, one Juul-er and one dog. The latter is the highlight of student life at Ryerson and should not be taken for granted. Your local floofy monster or chonky boy is eagerly taking their walk as you’re reading this and they’re almost always up for cuddles, pets and kisses.
7. “You should smile more!’’
The easiest way to become a little more positive is by cracking a smile and exercising the muscles that make up the resting bitch face expression you have when trying to avoid people talking to you on your way to class. And don’t smile because the catcallers ask you to—smile because the end of the world means the end of the catcallers, and the end of class.