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Fun & Satire

People who still sit at patios in cold weather are aliens

By Ruisi Liu, Andrea Josic and Nathaniel Crouch

As the weather gets colder, the days of patio season are in the rearview mirror of winter’s fast approaching Jeep Wrangler. But, I still see people sitting comfortably on outdoor patios, which makes me wonder: How are these people able to bear the frigid weather?

I sat on a brown woven chair on the Balzac’s patio, my laptop on a wobbly circular table, 12:08 p.m., taking a break from a class that fried my brain with overstimulation. I’d just sit here for five minutes and start walking back home, I thought. It’s way too cold to be sitting for long. 

I may be the odd one out. A girl across from me studies intensely wearing nothing but a thin white turtleneck and cropped jeans, eating a salad of avocados and small crickets. 

It was as if she was unbothered by the cold. Human skin is delicate, easily affected by temperature change, she clearly wasn’t. When it’s chilly, we shiver and get goosebumps, but she was unfazed.

I don’t know if it was the salad, cropped jeans or the fact that when she looked at me all she said was “ᗥᙧᘯᘡᗸᗗ” but all of this tipped me off to her true nature. I always heard conspiracy theories that aliens walk amongst us on Earth, but now, all signs pointed to the truth: alien.

Two people chatter nearby, sipping iced coffee in unzipped jean jackets. Yet I sat as a warm-blooded human, fingers nearly frozen, huddled in a puffy coat, observing the phenomenon in absolute awe. The girl in the white turtleneck sips her drink and snaps a quick selfie for the #aesthetics.

“ᗫᗈᘕᘈᙡᙟ–Oh sorry, I forgot to turn on my universal translator,” one of the friends, alien and third-year physics student Walter Yu, said. “Sometimes I don’t even bother wearing a sweater because it’s four degrees out. That’s so warm.”

The existence of these extraterrestrials and their presence on Earth has been controversial for some students.

Regibald Patel, a fourth-year aerospace engineering student, founded an anti-patio club out of spite due to the tables and chairs that take up sidewalks past October. 

“It’s not about the aliens—some of my best friends are aliens. It’s about the sidewalk space and the fact that patio season is OVER!” he said.

Most of these aliens blend in with the human masses and can be spotted sipping coffee casually on Balzac’s outdoor patios, wearing uninsulated jackets, shorts skirts and ankle socks. They are clearly a superior, higher intellectual, cold-blooded reptilian species.

“[Aliens] are the extraterrestrial godly figures descended from higher realms to mock the brittle weakness of human tolerance,” said Neil Armstrong, former American astronaut and first man on the “moon”, from his grave.

According to Armstrong, the alien society has been lurking amongst us for thousands of years, disguised as humans. Initially, they considered taking over the world, but they’ve decided to retreat to the laid-back life of patio hopping and just let humanity destroy itself.

“Good luck, bitches!” said Yu, as he stretched his long lizard legs across three patio chairs.

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