TTC enrolls into Ryerson, never shows up to class

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By Eduard Tatomir

With the winter semester nearly a month in, a new student is joining our campus—already late to the semester. The TTC has enrolled at Ryerson and the school confirms that he has yet to show up to class.

Richard Keating teaches urban development and planning, a class he hoped the TTC would attend and learn from it. Keating’s disappointed the TTC keeps skipping.

When Keating asked the TTC to attend just one 8 a.m. lecture, the TTC rolled his eyes and laughed, “Rush hour? HA! Good luck.”

The TTC arrived two hours late to the three-hour lecture, holding an iced coffee. He took no notes and students said he was busy looking up the weather on his laptop, saving screenshots to a folder titled “Excuses.”

One of the main assignments in Keating’s class is a group project. Students were put in groups and asked to design their version of an ideal transport system.

On presentation day, the TTC didn’t show up, citing a delay due to “a mechanical problem onboard the train.”

“I just didn’t feel like closing the doors. I like hearing the sexy computerized voice repeat ‘Please stand clear of the doors’ over and over again. I even tweeted it, and that’s a good enough notice.”

He then put his headphones on and claimed he was now “out of service,” but apologized for the inconvenience.

His group created a version of Toronto where the TTC was functioning efficiently and effectively, with subway expansion into the suburbs of the GTA and better traffic flow.

The TTC, who was in the group chat for the project, said that this was possible—with a 500-cent fare increase.

“Did you mean a five-cent increase?” a group member asked.

“Nope. You don’t get to be 2017 Transit System of The Year by just GIVING OUT rides, Britney,” the TTC said. “Except on New Year’s—because I care about your well-being.”

Keating gave the group an A, but failed the TTC for failing to show up to any group work lectures. The TTC said there were scheduled closures everyday and to expect his absence. “I got shuttle busses running. I’ll get there eventually.”


  1. hey, you know that “personal injury at track level” means someone’s died, right? But hey, play it off like it’ll get a cheap laugh.

    1. Author

      Hi Bud,

      We understand the phrase does have that connotation and we’ve altered the sentence to ensure it doesn’t come off as insensitive to anyone dealing with mental health issues. Thank you for pointing it out!

      The Fun & Satire editor at The Eyeopener

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