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All Fun & Satire

TMU student tries to use ALL campus facilities to make up for online school tuition costs

By Jyrylle Penarroyo

Disclaimer: This is a satire story. All characters, events and statements are fictional.

It’s been almost two years since the COVID-19 lockdown came to an end and the world hasn’t been the same since. The long-term effects of no physical exercise have been getting to one Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) student in particular—someone with a certain goal. 

Ivana Tinkle is a fourth-year media production student who has been using the Recreation and Athletic Centre (RAC) consistently ever since students were allowed back on campus. 

In an interview with The Eyeopener, she said she feels that TMU had robbed her of her money, forcing her to put these truly beneficial student benefits to good use. 

Tinkle said TMU should‘ve taken into account the cost of tuition if most of the amenities were not being used during the time of the COVID-19 lockdown. 

“I’ve been lifting these weights so often I might develop a hernia,” Tinkle said as she flexed her biceps.

Tinkle spends seven days a week at the RAC working hard to build her muscles, motivated by the sheer willpower of vengeance and the need to fulfill her goal—taking advantage of the amenities once and for all. 

“I use the RAC to get hot and then I use the EDC equipment to show that I’m hot”

The RAC isn’t the only tuition benefit Tinkle has been taking advantage of. She recently started renting digital single-lens reflex (DSLR) cameras and other expensive equipment from TMU’s Equipment Distribution Centre (EDC). Tinkle realized that she should’ve been able to use these fancy gadgets had school not been online for the past two years, so she took matters into her own hands.

Tinkle said the purpose of the cameras is to kickstart her “influencer era” in hopes that she’ll be able to earn easy money to pay off her student loans while taking advantage of the money that was taken away from her. 

TMU’s incredibly wise decision to ignore the pleas of struggling students to subsidize the tuition is something Tinkle will never forget. 

“If anything, TMU is actually helping me to be efficient and innovative,” she said. “I use the RAC to get hot and then I use the EDC equipment to show that I’m hot. It’s all so smart, really.”

Yuri Nayshon, one of Tinkle’s close friends, shares her concern towards her friend.

“I worry for that girl,” Nayshon said. “She’s running on three cans of Red Bull and Adderall daily.”

However, Tinkle didn’t stop there. She thought it was only fair to compensate herself for all of the in-person classes she missed out on by attending random courses that she wasn’t enrolled in. The classes range from calculus in the engineering building to garment design classes in Kerr Hall. 

“Honestly, my favourite class so far is Women In Popular Music,” Tinkle says. “There are no men in sight, just me surrounded by beautiful women. Awooga, am I right?”

I.C. Yappee, a TMU English professor, said Tinkle would sit in the corner of his class with her phone ringing constantly while lifting a 60 kilogram dumbbell between calls. 

“I cannot concentrate to save my life”

When asked about her class habits, Tinkle said she has “business to attend to” and the “grind never stops,” according to professor Yappee.

With all the extra classes she’s been taking, Tinkle has realized she’s been having trouble concentrating, saying that her brain is “getting too stimulated.” 

“I need to take advantage of my tuition benefits and get [attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder] medication,” she said. “I cannot concentrate to save my life. I know the university health centre has my back, I quite literally have a learning disability.”

Further research has since confirmed that she does not, in fact, have a learning disability.

Tinkle hopes to share what she has learned to others in the same position.

“There’s a lot more resources on campus than some students realize,” she said. “Me personally, I’m going to use them all.”

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