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All Fun & Satire

Daylight saving time probably won’t fix your seasonal depression

By Valeria Aldana

Disclaimer: Some characters and quotes are fake, just like the social construct of time 

Students from Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) greatly anticipated the arrival of daylight time, commonly known as daylight savings. Clocks spring forward every March and fall back every November to adjust the time in some areas of the world, allegedly saving daylight. But who is going to save TMU’s already sleep-deprived students? 

Picture this: you’re walking down Gould Street on the seventh-coldest day ever recorded. You’re being bombarded by an onslaught of snowflakes, turning the world into a chaotic, white blur. Snow compiles on top of your fake lashes, completely blocking your eyesight. It hurts to breathe but you have no choice but to hold your breath and risk passing out—which isn’t looking so bad at the moment. 

“This is not what the Lord meant when he said ‘Let there be light’”

Nevertheless, you’re determined to make it to your lab on time. Until, you feel your feet dampen with the moisture seeping through your Uggs. You look down and come to find you’ve just stepped in the greyest of slush—a Toronto winter staple. You don’t have snow boots—who can afford them in this economy? 

You immediately question both your will to live and the decision your parents made to emigrate from a country that’s sunny all year long to a place where you’re neighbours with the polar bears. This was the reality for second-year mechatronics engineering student Stuti Archarya. 

“This is rubbish! I had to sit and write a test for three hours with a moist sock,” said Archarya. “It will all be worth it though, daylight savings is right around the corner—sunlight and fresh air got me acting normal.”

Archarya seems to be one of the rare TMU students with this optimistic outlook on daylight time. Others like philosophy student Iams Ad have a different perspective. 

“Why are we—as a somewhat developed and fully functioning society—altering the fabric of time for a big ball of fire 148 million kilometres away?” demanded Ad. 

Canada introduced daylight time over 100 years ago and was one of the first countries to adopt the practice. Contrary to popular belief, it was not for farmers to have more time to farm—it was apparently to reduce the use of coal. However, the ever-rebellious Saskatchewan shrugged off the shackles of daylight savings in 1966, declaring, “We’ll just march to the beat of our own sun, eh?”

Dr. Dep Ression, a TMU alumnus with a PhD in Saskatchewan studies, commented on the province’s decision to cancel the ever-changing clock once and for all.

“It was a waste of time,” he said. “Nothing says efficiency like rearranging the clock and pretending we’ve accomplished something meaningful.”

You can kiss your seasonal depression bye bye

When you think of daylight savings, you might have a similar outlook to Archarya: summertime is just around the corner and with the added time under the sun, you can kiss your seasonal depression bye bye. Either that or you can expect to see severe sleep deprivation in your future since someone decided to play God last century and steal one hour of your life for eight months. 

“Seasonal depression this, seasonal depression that. My depression has a penthouse suite at the Four Seasons,” said Ad. “I can assure you this is not what the Lord meant when he said ‘Let there be light.’”

Ad is not the only student who shares this distaste for daylight savings. Seizo Nalle, an eighth-year midwifery student, has had enough of everyone transforming into a “TikTok clean girl” as soon as they catch a glimpse of sunshine.

“It’s ridiculous! How is a ball of fire going to solve all my problems?” said Nalle. “Is the sun doing all my homework and clearing my skin? No. Rain or shine, I’m still sad.”

She commented on the unrealistic nature of it all, noting that seasonal depression is a hoax to distract us from real-world problems like waiting for the next upload of the Who TF Did I Marry!!!? series by Reesa Teesa on TikTok.

“I just think you have to be completely delusional to believe that with a longer presence of the sun, life will immediately get better. Am I a plant?” Nalle added.

Despite Nalle’s perspective on the sun, local TikTok clean girl Vero Gomez shared her love for the fiery medium-sized star by placing a flower crown on her head. She added that humans are like plants because we need water and sunlight to survive.

“Seizo Nalle? I know her, she’s in my environmental sociology class. I think she’s a vampire—I saw her using an umbrella once on a sunny June afternoon,” said Gomez.

“Rain or shine, I’m still sad”

Even though there’s a clear division about whether TMU is “Yay or Nay” for extra time under the sun—the overall consensus is that TMU is entering its ‘beef era’ with the medium-sized star in outer space, the Sun.

Ression was seen handing out Sunny D’s on Gould Street prior to his interview with The Eyeopener, and when asked about the controversy regarding daylight savings time and seasonal depression, his only comment was, “Delulu is the solulu.”

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