TMU sends students, alumni and sponsors ‘holiday gift guide’

By Dylan Marks

Disclaimer: This story is about as real as my girlfriend, so not very. Auto-correct me if I’m wrong, but you will enjoy this piece and hopefully end up with a whole new outlook on life. Give it a read and cc what you think!

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From: prez.chemi@torontomu.ca

Subject: You better watch out, you better go buy

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Happy Holidays to the Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) community,

As the semester comes to an end, another faithful year ties itself up like a holiday bow on Christmas morning. The TMU executive team would like to specify exactly what we all expect underneath our trees from you all as a thanks for choosing to spend the core years of your twenties with us.

In past years, some of the gifts we received have been astounding: raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm piss on the sidewalk. We hope the community—including all students, staff, sponsors and even our trusted alumni—can give us the best gift of all, kindness (and more money).

Please see the list below and feel free to send all gifts directly to the office of the president.

This holiday season…

President and Vice-Chancellor Mohamed Lachemi wants…

A glasses cleaning set
Ties that don’t hurt people’s eyes to look at
444,475 more dollars
The city to rename Yonge-Dundas Square as “Lachemi Plaza”
His term extended indefinitely
A Malibu Barbie doll

Chancellor Donette Chin-Loy Chang wants…

Some of those windshield air fresheners to cover up the Kerr Hall garbage smell
Mandatory seven-day meal plans for all students including those who commute
Easy Bake Ovens for the residence kitchens
The new “Bestie Bundle” from McDonalds
That cute dog she saw in the quad the other day, he answered to the name “Oscar”

Vice-President, Equity and Community Inclusion Tanya De Mello wants…

Everyone to forget about the new medical school’s diversity “quota”
Large working Etch-A-Sketches to replace all campus chalkboards
Nutcrackers standing post at every campus entrance
A DJUNGELSKOG from IKEA

Provost and Vice-President, Academic Roberta Iannacito-Provenzano wants…

All students living on campus to go home for the break within 24 hours of their final exams
No more complaints about the Toronto Metropolitan Students’ Union
Sushi from the International Living/Learning Centre
The Ultimate Collector Series LEGO® Star Wars™ Millennium Falcon
Tickets to see Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s Red One

Vice-President, Research and Innovation Steven Liss wants…

Everyone to stop changing the ‘L’ in his last name to a ‘P’
Spaghetti from Jollibee
Better Wi-Fi around campus
The campus therapy dogs to actually help with his issues and not just lick his hand
People to understand that Arthur Christmas is the best holiday film

Lastly, Chief Financial Officer Joanne McKee, wants…