By Dylan Marks

Disclaimer: Though the SCC fire alarm did go off a few too many times the other day, the rest of this story is full on fiery bullshit. 

The fire alarm was pulled twice inside the Student Campus Centre (SCC) building at Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) last Monday resulting in disruptions for the one person on the couches that was talking at a reasonable volume. 

Toronto Fire Services (TFS) have announced they believe the two alarms were caused by “delicious activations” as the influx of people outside resulted in big business for the Gould Street shawarma truck. 

“I’d cause a hundred fires for these goddamn french fries”

“We have no idea who pulled this thing but we’re actively searching,” said TFS officer Ed Stinguish downing a chicken platter with fries. “Tell you what though, I’d cause a hundred fires for these goddamn french fries and that’s on the record.” 

Though Stinguish was unsure of who caused this mixup, many believe it was the work of the Shawarma truck man himself: Phil Awfel. 

“To quote the late and great Shaggy, ‘it wasn’t me,’” said Awfel. “Am I upset that the fire alarm was pulled? Yes, I can’t imagine how scared those students must have been. Am I upset that the fire alarm was pulled monetarily? Nah, let Oakham burn.”

While Awfel denies any involvement in the “chicken on the rocky” situation, students on scene claim the scent of hot garlic and wetly dense meat was unmistakable on the alarms that were pulled. 

“To quote the late and great Shaggy, it wasn’t me”

“Honestly, I thought it was a drill but then I smelled the grill and I ordered extra dill, but still it was definitely Phil,” said third-year psychology student Jill Mills. 

“I’m pretty sure the art on the front of the truck is AI generated too, I mean when will it end,” said that arts student in your class you hate. 

“We were in the middle of the student union’s general meeting and those alarms put a stop to it…which sucksss so freaking bad, God I’m sooo angry about it,” said a member of the Toronto Metropolitan Students’ Union. 

TFS has announced the investigation is ongoing though they believe no suspect will be found because everybody is busy deciding between beef on the rocks and the chicken crazy wrap. 

“I guess some people just can’t handle the heat”

As for Officer Stinguish, he was last seen setting up a lawn chair outside the shawarma truck “just in case another emergency happens.”

“You can never be too careful when it comes to watching for fires and stuff,” said Stinguish once again at the truck’s window. “And I’ll do extra pickles and a grape crush,” he added.

Awfel currently maintains his innocence as well as a full grill and those four weird topping containers that you should not eat from. 

“Did I pull the fire alarm? No,” said Awfel. “But I guess some people just can’t handle the heat.”