By Aisha Duldul

Disclaimer: What follows below is entirely fictional. No students, exes or lungs were hurt in the making of this story.

Breaking news—Chase Green, a third-year electrical engineering student at Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU), has relapsed after promising to quit smoking pot with his five friends at 1 a.m. every night. He was 52 minutes and 33 seconds clean.

At 2 a.m. on Oct. 20, the 20-year-old confessed his relapse to his boys’ group chat named “the ganja gang.” 

The incident ensued the night before, when Green and his five buddies attended a part at a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend’s house around where Drake lives.

“He came out of the garage grinning like a kid who’s done something naughty”

Green was allegedly rekindling his relationship with his former girlfriend of two years when she pulled him to the garage. A friend of Green’s said his ex-girlfriend Mary Jane was found offering him a freshly rolled blunt in the garage of where the party was. 

Witnesses said the pair disappeared for about 11 minutes before Green reappeared smelling “suspiciously nostalgic” and “like Meemaw’s basement on Thanksgiving.”

Another friend of Green, who goes by the name of Puffdaddy Chris, stated that he appeared out of nowhere looking “too relaxed,” while describing his demeanor as “post-breakup déjà vu.”

“He came out of the garage grinning like a kid who’s done something naughty,” Puffdaddy Chris recounted, shaking his head. “That’s when I realized he had been huffing that hydro harder than Snoop Dogg and Seth Rogen on 4/20 at 4:20.”

By 2 a.m., screen recordings of Green and his ex-girlfriend balling up were being passed around Snapchat and Instagram. Eventually Green sent them to the ganja gang chat with a photo of him mid-hotbox and the message ‘lmaoo boys I folded bad’ attached.

“I control the weed, not the other way around”

By mid-afternoon on Oct. 20, the viral video of Green and Jane “dancing with the devil’s lettuce” was circling around X.

Within a few hours, classmates started making jokes about the incident under the hashtag #FoldedFast. With one student from Green’s engineering class @bongripper69420 tweeting,“I believe the weed man was in town and our boy Chase owed him quite a few puffs.” 

Another user said, “Honestly, who among us hasn’t relapsed for our ex in a garage?”

According to sources, the ganja boys group chat immediately responded with a rush of laughing emojis, crying emojis and stickers clipped from the aforementioned videos.

In a statement released by Green the following afternoon, he stated that he had “no regrets,” and that he can “stop again at any given point.”

“I believe the weed man was in town and our boy Chase owed him quite a few puffs” 

“I control the weed, not the other way around. When I say stop the weed says ‘for how long?’” said Green. 

“With that in mind I’ve been off the za for 42 minutes and 12 seconds now, but who’s counting, and I promise I ain’t going back into the bushes if ykwim. It’s been 42 minutes and 19 seconds now” 

Despite the major setback, Green insists he is done for real this time and has confirmed plans to “permanently quit” in the new year, his friends confirm. 

“That was my last dance with Mary Jane, both my ex and the dope, that I promise,” Green said, taking a long puff from his nicotine vape.